Feminists and Mommy Bloggers everywhere should be thanking Amy Glass. She just gave all of us enough fodder to write a million new feminist manifestos. I've never before seen so much short-sighted, narrow-minded self-conceit passed off as feminism packed into a single article. I am practically salivating at all the ways I could correct the errors and misconceptions and ridiculous judgements I've read here, and this is just her article clarifying points of her earlier rant!
Let's start with the biggest, most glaring insult: mothering isn't important. Amy may not have actually said those exact words, but that was most definitely the implication. She tells us that "hard" is value neutral, hoping we won't notice she just asked the world if mothering is worthwhile, if it's "good or bad." She talks about innovation freeing women's time so we can do more "valuable things."
May I ask what it is about Amy's life that she finds so important? I hope she feels that she is contributing to society and bettering humanity, because that's how I define important work. I have no idea what she does in her off time, so I can only assume that she feels that feminist blogging is important to the world. I would agree. But Amy, what kind of blogger would you be if no one had taught you your ABC's? Where would America be if Barack Obama's mother hadn't been there to instill her values of right and wrong in the boy who would be president? Where would technology be if Bill Gates' mother wasn't there to teach him how to use a spoon? Where would the world be if Einstein or Gandhi or Pasteur hadn't had mothers to give birth to them?
What you call extraneous noise, some of us would consider the enormous task of raising the next generation of humanity. That's pretty important, I think even you might agree. If not, I think you might benefit from reading about the lives and works of a broader spectrum of feminists, starting with Margaret Sanger, Maya Angelou, and Audre Lorde. They all found motherhood spectacularly important.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Thursday, February 21, 2013
I want to be the hero of my own life
When did I become this angry, bitter, weak, fearful person? What happened to the fighter? Why do I constantly beat the horse of my past victimizations, instead of glorying in my surmounting so much agony? Why am I constantly the victim, and never the survivor?
I have this amazing child, and I spend so much time fearful that my past will damage her. Why is it so hard to see this amazing accomplishment for what it is? I have brought a joyful child into this world with all the intent, capability, and tools at my fingertips to make her life comfortable and challenging and amazing.
My life has been filled with obstacles to conquer and burdens to bear, and although it's been messy, here I am on the other side. I've survived it all. I don't want to tempt fate, but by now, haven't I learned so many lessons to help me with whatever comes next? I made it through this and that and that and that. Surely I can survive the future.
I am 40 years old, and I am so done with my childhood and youth. Yes, I miss firm skin and dancing, but that's about all I miss. The things I enjoyed, I still incorporate into my life. I still play. But I don't want to be wild and crazy and careless any more. I want to be settled. I am settled. But I want to revel in it. I want to revel in my comfy home and my loving family.
What I don't want is to constantly live my life rehashing my past. Let go, let go, let go!
So many people around me are optimistic about life, and I'm just not that person. My life has been dominated by chaos. I was a pessimist before I left grade school. But I think there is something to this notion that you can create the life you want for yourself. I can plan for future endeavors and prepare for possible falling trees. But I don't need to worry about the possibility of getting hit by a bus or Mt. Rainier erupting. Life has taught me to prepare, therapy has taught me not to worry. But how exactly does living in my past help prepare me for the future? How does it help me in the now?
It doesn't. It just drags me down all over again. The memories of past harm do me harm over and over and over again, and that is my fault. The original acts were perpetrated against me. Reliving them is of my own doing.
I want to shake it off, but how do you slough off a part of who you are? This is part of my identity. It's made me who I am today. It's not going to go away, it can't be removed. That's just not possible. But I can say goodbye to it. I can close the door on it.
That sounds so easy, just shoving it all into the closet and shutting the light and locking the door, to turn towards the brilliant sunlight that is the future.
And monkeys might fly out of my butt.
*sigh* Pessimist Mysie is here to stay. I am not sunshine and roses, and I never will be. But I don't need to be thunderstorms and thorns either. I would be perfectly content with a nice refreshing rain and a scattering of wildflowers.
I have this amazing child, and I spend so much time fearful that my past will damage her. Why is it so hard to see this amazing accomplishment for what it is? I have brought a joyful child into this world with all the intent, capability, and tools at my fingertips to make her life comfortable and challenging and amazing.
My life has been filled with obstacles to conquer and burdens to bear, and although it's been messy, here I am on the other side. I've survived it all. I don't want to tempt fate, but by now, haven't I learned so many lessons to help me with whatever comes next? I made it through this and that and that and that. Surely I can survive the future.
I am 40 years old, and I am so done with my childhood and youth. Yes, I miss firm skin and dancing, but that's about all I miss. The things I enjoyed, I still incorporate into my life. I still play. But I don't want to be wild and crazy and careless any more. I want to be settled. I am settled. But I want to revel in it. I want to revel in my comfy home and my loving family.
What I don't want is to constantly live my life rehashing my past. Let go, let go, let go!
So many people around me are optimistic about life, and I'm just not that person. My life has been dominated by chaos. I was a pessimist before I left grade school. But I think there is something to this notion that you can create the life you want for yourself. I can plan for future endeavors and prepare for possible falling trees. But I don't need to worry about the possibility of getting hit by a bus or Mt. Rainier erupting. Life has taught me to prepare, therapy has taught me not to worry. But how exactly does living in my past help prepare me for the future? How does it help me in the now?
It doesn't. It just drags me down all over again. The memories of past harm do me harm over and over and over again, and that is my fault. The original acts were perpetrated against me. Reliving them is of my own doing.
I want to shake it off, but how do you slough off a part of who you are? This is part of my identity. It's made me who I am today. It's not going to go away, it can't be removed. That's just not possible. But I can say goodbye to it. I can close the door on it.
That sounds so easy, just shoving it all into the closet and shutting the light and locking the door, to turn towards the brilliant sunlight that is the future.
And monkeys might fly out of my butt.
*sigh* Pessimist Mysie is here to stay. I am not sunshine and roses, and I never will be. But I don't need to be thunderstorms and thorns either. I would be perfectly content with a nice refreshing rain and a scattering of wildflowers.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
6 + 7 + 8 + 9 + 10 months
Kailea Christine Cairns
10/13/12
6 months old
Kailea Christine Cairns
11/13/12
7 months old
weight: 14.8 lbs.
Kailea Christine Cairns
12/13/12
8 months old
Kailea Christine Cairns
1/13/13
9 months old
head circumference: 43 cm.
body length: 25 in.
weight: about 15.8 lbs.
Kailea Christine Cairns
2/13/13
10 months old
head circumference: 43 cm.
body length: 26 in.
Today my girl is 10 months old and she's getting so big! She's only an inch longer, with the same head size as last month, but we're finally forced to put away all of her 3 month clothes. For some time now her wardrobe has ranged in size from 3 months to 6 months to 9 months. Trying to anticipate what size she will be on her birthday has been frustrating me.
Yep, I'm starting to plan her birthday. Oh. My. God. My girl will be turning a year old in only two months! Wow. Seriously, wow.
The past month has been filled with milestones, as well as a double ear infection. A few weeks ago I was talking with some other parents about the different stages in development between our 3 babies. The 10 month old just started clapping the week before. The 6 month old was just opening her palms when her mom helped her to clap. Kai was still close-fisted and stiff-armed whenever I tried to get her to clap. Still, I went home and tried it a couple of times. To my surprise, the next day she was opening her palm, and a day or two after that she was clapping all on her own. She thinks it is the most awesome thing in the world. She clap, clap, claps all the time now.
Within days of learning to clap, she suddenly initiated a game of peek-a-boo with her Daddy. We were astonished. Until that point, only Eric's mom had had any success with Kai enjoying peek-a-boo - watching only, and as far as I know with a short attention span. With me, she didn't "get it" when I hid myself, and downright hated it when I tried to hide her under a blanket or even just a see-through scarf. And then there she was, raising and then slightly lowering the blanket to peak around the corner at Eric. When he told me about it, I was thrilled but also sad that I had missed it. But when I turned to her and said the phrase "peek-a-boo" a few times, she suddenly started playing with me. So not only was she playing the game, but she understood that what it was called. Which was such a relief, since there don't seem to be very many words that she acts as if she understands. So far it's just been "mommy", "daddy", "kitty", and "milk". Plus, I was fearful she was a little hard-of-hearing, especially after this second round of ear infections (she had one in the Fall). So to have evidence that she can hear and understand and then instigate based on that. "Wow" just doesn't cover it.
I was also fearful of some possible developmental delays, which I brought up with the pediatrician at her 9 month appointment. (FYI, the girl is a trooper with her shots - just a bit of a scream and a minute of tears and then she's over it!) The doctor didn't see anything to worry about, with the possible except of her inability to get from a sitting position to down onto the floor. So we had her practice that for a few days and eventually she figured it out. First not so reliably, but just today I was noticing she had no problems with it at all.
Still no crawling though, although she tries all the time. She "commando" crawls, using her arms to drag herself along. Over the weeks she has used her legs more and more in this process, and gets up on her knees all the time. She just hasn't figured out that she can get up on her knees and then move them forward to help her along. She has tried a handful of times and suddenly tips over from losing her balance. Over the past two days, she has moved her knees a little, only to either (a) move it right back to where it was instead of moving forward, or (b) give up and plop on her belly. She does that all the time now, so we've almost completely stopped trying to practice crawling with her. She will move a few inches and then stop, staring out into space or examining the carpet. Is she bored? Is she contemplating the meaning of the universe? Who knows. We figure she's going to figure it out eventually, so we'll just let her figure it out.
The only other milestone I can think of is that I was worried she wasn't using her pincer grip on food bits. We've been having her work on that too, and it's paid off. Now if she will figure out how to eat the food bits without gagging, we might be on our way to real people food!
Monday, December 24, 2012
P-A-D: Days 156 - 171, 2nd Half of September
Day 156: September 15, Our Big Eared Munchkin
I never noticed before, but are Kai's ears a little... overly prominent? I'm sure her lack of any real hair has something to do with it.
Day 157: September 16, missed it
Day 158: September 17, We Like Purple
Not too matchy-matchy, but just right.
Day 159: September 18, Sharing with Cousin JR
Aunt Heidi and Cousin JR came over to visit, two of Kailea's favorite people! JR is of an age where sharing is not a new concept, but it's still not an easy thing to do willingly. Here is JR spontaneously handing Kai her Sophie.
Day 160: September 19, She's Outgrowing Everything!
Here 3 Month clothes are finally fitting right, but watching her grow out of her 3 Months stuff was kind of sad. Here she is barely fitting in her co-sleeper. Now that she's too old for it, I thought it might make a good nap station for the living room. But that's not going to last much longer either!
Day 161: September 20, Shaka Brah
She seems to be a little confused on the proper placement of the fingers, but I think she'll get it eventually. But there is no way am I teaching her Pidgin. I sound like a moron when I try. I'll have to leave that up to her Aunt and Uncles.
Day 162: September 21, Nomnomnom
Those rings certainly look delicious, don't they?
Day 163: September 22, Giggle Girl
Kailea has got to be one of the happiest babies on the planet. She smiles at everyone. And now she's got a giggle to go with it!
Day 164: September 23, We're Sweet on Pooh
My sweet girl, looking adorable in her Pooh dress. Any idea how many shots it took to get that Pooh on her dress to stay visible and keep her looking at the camera? Finally, my patience was rewarded with a smile to top it all off! Seriously though, who designs baby dresses with the applique so far from the middle that you practically have to turn the baby over on her side to get it in the shot? Sadists, that's who.
Day 165: September 24, O-o-o-h Lights!
Yet another turtle for my honu girl. This one lights up! I think we may have to aquire more toys with lights.
Day 166: September 25, My Little Elf
It didn't look Christmassy hanging in the store, but once I put the matching cap on her head and noticed it making her ears stick out, I realized she looked like a little Elf. This shot with her tongue sticking out just cements the idea for me.
Day 167: September 26, missed it
Day 168: September 27, missed it
Day 169: September 28, First Food = Oatmeal!
Hey Mikey, she likes it! Today we had our first solid food*, baby oatmeal, and it was a hit! She seemed to find the entire process really fun, smiling and giggling and enjoying herself the whole time. Success!!! *Please ignore the flirtation with yogurt a month ago when she was sick...
Day 170: September 29, Jennings Park Picture Day
Today we had some professional photos taken at Jennings Park in Marysville. Doesn't she look adorable in that outfit? And both her socks are still on! The sun was out and Fall seemed a world away, so we made an extended day of it. We stopped over for a quick visit with Aunt Heidi and Cousin JR, then headed out to Granite Falls for a little walk and nature appreciation. The day kind of went downhill when we sat down to have dinner at a little Greek place and Kai had her first public diaper blowout. While all of her gear was still in the car. I kept my cool, walked her back while holding her very carefully, changed her in the trunk, and then changed my shirt right there on main street because I managed to get poo on myself. What a day!
Day 171: September 30, Please Sir, I'd like Some More
Yep, the girl still likes her oatmeal!
I never noticed before, but are Kai's ears a little... overly prominent? I'm sure her lack of any real hair has something to do with it.
Day 157: September 16, missed it
Day 158: September 17, We Like Purple
Not too matchy-matchy, but just right.
Day 159: September 18, Sharing with Cousin JR
Aunt Heidi and Cousin JR came over to visit, two of Kailea's favorite people! JR is of an age where sharing is not a new concept, but it's still not an easy thing to do willingly. Here is JR spontaneously handing Kai her Sophie.
Day 160: September 19, She's Outgrowing Everything!
Here 3 Month clothes are finally fitting right, but watching her grow out of her 3 Months stuff was kind of sad. Here she is barely fitting in her co-sleeper. Now that she's too old for it, I thought it might make a good nap station for the living room. But that's not going to last much longer either!
Day 161: September 20, Shaka Brah
She seems to be a little confused on the proper placement of the fingers, but I think she'll get it eventually. But there is no way am I teaching her Pidgin. I sound like a moron when I try. I'll have to leave that up to her Aunt and Uncles.
Day 162: September 21, Nomnomnom
Those rings certainly look delicious, don't they?
Day 163: September 22, Giggle Girl
Kailea has got to be one of the happiest babies on the planet. She smiles at everyone. And now she's got a giggle to go with it!
Day 164: September 23, We're Sweet on Pooh
My sweet girl, looking adorable in her Pooh dress. Any idea how many shots it took to get that Pooh on her dress to stay visible and keep her looking at the camera? Finally, my patience was rewarded with a smile to top it all off! Seriously though, who designs baby dresses with the applique so far from the middle that you practically have to turn the baby over on her side to get it in the shot? Sadists, that's who.
Day 165: September 24, O-o-o-h Lights!
Yet another turtle for my honu girl. This one lights up! I think we may have to aquire more toys with lights.
Day 166: September 25, My Little Elf
It didn't look Christmassy hanging in the store, but once I put the matching cap on her head and noticed it making her ears stick out, I realized she looked like a little Elf. This shot with her tongue sticking out just cements the idea for me.
Day 167: September 26, missed it
Day 168: September 27, missed it
Day 169: September 28, First Food = Oatmeal!
Hey Mikey, she likes it! Today we had our first solid food*, baby oatmeal, and it was a hit! She seemed to find the entire process really fun, smiling and giggling and enjoying herself the whole time. Success!!! *Please ignore the flirtation with yogurt a month ago when she was sick...
Day 170: September 29, Jennings Park Picture Day
Today we had some professional photos taken at Jennings Park in Marysville. Doesn't she look adorable in that outfit? And both her socks are still on! The sun was out and Fall seemed a world away, so we made an extended day of it. We stopped over for a quick visit with Aunt Heidi and Cousin JR, then headed out to Granite Falls for a little walk and nature appreciation. The day kind of went downhill when we sat down to have dinner at a little Greek place and Kai had her first public diaper blowout. While all of her gear was still in the car. I kept my cool, walked her back while holding her very carefully, changed her in the trunk, and then changed my shirt right there on main street because I managed to get poo on myself. What a day!
Day 171: September 30, Please Sir, I'd like Some More
Yep, the girl still likes her oatmeal!
Friday, December 14, 2012
My Secret Life
This post is related to the previous one, I swear. Trying to write this led to the other one. Because this is the lie I live: that the me you see when I show up for a meeting or post on Facebook had to overcome all this inner-doubt and tiring inner war just to get out the door or jot down two coherent sentences without screaming "Oh my god, would you shoot me in the face because my mind is driving me crazy?!
Someone recently shared that they were told to "snap out" of their depression. This is so frustrating and heartbreaking to hear. Frustrating, because it's impossible. Heartbreaking, because someone who loves you should know that already. Maybe you have heard that when an anorexic looks in the mirror, their mind fools them into seeing a fat person, no matter how dangerously skinny they become. Depression is somewhat like this - your own mind deceives and lies to you. How exactly does one "snap out" of that? You don't. With therapy, coaching, and constant self vigilance, you can try to combat the lies with rational thinking. But an inner dialog of rational thought trying to overcome constant self-destructive, self-loathing lies very quickly becomes exhausting. You know the television gag where a person has an angel sitting on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Imagine that going on in your head 24/7, every day of your life without pause. But there is no angel or devil costumes to tell one side from the other. The voice of your depression and the voice of your rational side sound exactly the same. Constantly questioning whether your doubts are valid or imaginary gets so tiring that you quickly slip into old habits: it's just easier to believe the lies. But once you give in, your rational voice just gets quieter and quieter until it almost disappears completely.
There is nothing quite as surreal as a rational thought popping into your head that challenges your current trend of thinking, and realizing to yourself this is a familiar line of thinking, how did I forget this? The standard lies of depression happen daily: I don't have enough energy to take a shower, I don't need to get out of the house today, I can't possibly do anything social today. Remembering the truth, that showering and leaving the house and socializing actually make you feel better, is one of the easier set of depression's lies to work yourself out of. The flipside being that it's pretty easy to let yourself slide because you'll always have tomorrow to make up for what you decided you didn't want to do today.
The more profound, deep, or vague lines of thought are much harder to combat because they're that much harder to notice what's happening. Questioning your self-worth, doubting people's love for you, dwelling on the past... these are the dangerous thoughts. They are insidious, sneaky, ever present, and yet difficult to see for what they are: lies.
For me, my "easy" battles are with the mundane decisions of life: do I really have to get out of bed today?; do I really need a shower?; what would be the quickest and easiest way to alleviate my hunger, healthy eating be damned?; do I really have to get dressed?; which of these phone calls/emails/meetings can I put off until tomorrow?; how can I get out of this lunch with my friend?; will it be ok if I watch TV for another hour instead of reading to my kid?; 15 more minutes of mind-numbing internet time won't hurt me, right? Maybe they are easier because they require immediate decision making? Who knows? But being so mundane, something that has to be decided over and over again every day, it's just so easy to make the wrong choice.
My difficult battles are hard to even put a finger on, let alone fully realize them or share them with someone else. The month of November was very difficult for me because of all the Facebook sharing of things that people were thankful for: my inner monologue's response to each and every post was "that's swell for you, but my life sucks ass and I'm not thankful for anything." It took half the month for me to even realize that this line of thinking wasn't rational, and it was a huge step backwards in my mindset from my growth over the past few years. I am still trying to figure out why my brain is stuck on "bitter", when just a year ago I was convinced I was the luckiest person alive.
Another difficult fight I only just put a name on yesterday: my hope has disappeared. I think this is probably connected to my addiction to bitterness. But it's one thing to quietly think to myself how unthankful I am, and another to look at my daughter and have nothing but fear for her future. Attending my neice's graduation made me remember my own, and I spent the entire day puzzling out how I could have felt so much excitment and hope for the future at my own graduation, and such an absence for my neice's future. Throughout my pregnancy, there was this trepidation in the back of my mind, afraid of the world I would be bringing my daughter into. These fears haven't been alleviated.
I should feel hope. R74 was approved by the voters in Washington state just last month, and legal gay marriages have started in this state just days ago. But the fight for rights has worn me down, and the opposition just sucked the hope right out of me. It occurred to me yesterday that coming out of the closet allowed hate to come out too. A century ago, did the average American spend even a minute of their lives contemplating gay rights, civil rights, or Christian bias? When my mother was born, what percentage of Americans even knew what Islam was? There was never a "very special episode" of Leave It To Beaver about coming out of the closet, equal rights, abortion, single mothers, or even Judaism. That phenomenon started in the 80s with Different Strokes and Family Ties, right? America didn't start taking off the blinders until the 80s? The Vietnam war and the civil rights movement were just grudgingly rolled into the fold by America, so happy not to talk about it any more when they were over. But none of this stuff is ever going to be over. Hell, is it even ever going to be fully accepted?
There are less hate crimes, less gay bashings, less racism in America, surely. But you know the problem I have with that? The word "less". Are we ever going to live in a world without hate?
We opened some kind of Pandora's box with the civil rights movement and AIDS and the fight for equality. Because suddenly these things were up for debate. As if equal rights for everyone should be debated, really? Are we really happier now that people like Rush Limbaugh can spew filth about gays and feminists on the airways in the quest for equality? Why does demanding your rights always lead to this tremendous, painful, dangerous backlash? It's enough to make a person want to slink back quietly into the closet and forget we ever opened our mouth.
My daughter is going to grow up in an America where white people aren't going to be the dominant race for much longer, where gay marriage is legal, where publicly celebrating non-Christian faith is commonplace, where reason and science are favored over tradition and superstition and ignorance. But she will also inherit an America that believes airing hatred on television is a form of fairness, where school districts try to call Creationism science, where laws are passed demanding public schools not cast Islam in a favorable light, where legal gay marriages aren't recognized by the entire country or the IRS or even your local hospital, where the science of global warming faces a public smear campaign because people are more afraid of losing money than losing the polar ice caps and breathable air.
Where does my reasonable fear for my daughter end and the irrational lies of my depression begin? I just don't know any more. I know I'm supposed to have hope, that we are moving on to a better future. But the current now is such a minefield of hatred and lies and danger, I just don't know how to keep hope in my heart.
How am I supposed to fight my bitterness in light of such heavy concerns?
Someone recently shared that they were told to "snap out" of their depression. This is so frustrating and heartbreaking to hear. Frustrating, because it's impossible. Heartbreaking, because someone who loves you should know that already. Maybe you have heard that when an anorexic looks in the mirror, their mind fools them into seeing a fat person, no matter how dangerously skinny they become. Depression is somewhat like this - your own mind deceives and lies to you. How exactly does one "snap out" of that? You don't. With therapy, coaching, and constant self vigilance, you can try to combat the lies with rational thinking. But an inner dialog of rational thought trying to overcome constant self-destructive, self-loathing lies very quickly becomes exhausting. You know the television gag where a person has an angel sitting on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Imagine that going on in your head 24/7, every day of your life without pause. But there is no angel or devil costumes to tell one side from the other. The voice of your depression and the voice of your rational side sound exactly the same. Constantly questioning whether your doubts are valid or imaginary gets so tiring that you quickly slip into old habits: it's just easier to believe the lies. But once you give in, your rational voice just gets quieter and quieter until it almost disappears completely.
There is nothing quite as surreal as a rational thought popping into your head that challenges your current trend of thinking, and realizing to yourself this is a familiar line of thinking, how did I forget this? The standard lies of depression happen daily: I don't have enough energy to take a shower, I don't need to get out of the house today, I can't possibly do anything social today. Remembering the truth, that showering and leaving the house and socializing actually make you feel better, is one of the easier set of depression's lies to work yourself out of. The flipside being that it's pretty easy to let yourself slide because you'll always have tomorrow to make up for what you decided you didn't want to do today.
The more profound, deep, or vague lines of thought are much harder to combat because they're that much harder to notice what's happening. Questioning your self-worth, doubting people's love for you, dwelling on the past... these are the dangerous thoughts. They are insidious, sneaky, ever present, and yet difficult to see for what they are: lies.
For me, my "easy" battles are with the mundane decisions of life: do I really have to get out of bed today?; do I really need a shower?; what would be the quickest and easiest way to alleviate my hunger, healthy eating be damned?; do I really have to get dressed?; which of these phone calls/emails/meetings can I put off until tomorrow?; how can I get out of this lunch with my friend?; will it be ok if I watch TV for another hour instead of reading to my kid?; 15 more minutes of mind-numbing internet time won't hurt me, right? Maybe they are easier because they require immediate decision making? Who knows? But being so mundane, something that has to be decided over and over again every day, it's just so easy to make the wrong choice.
My difficult battles are hard to even put a finger on, let alone fully realize them or share them with someone else. The month of November was very difficult for me because of all the Facebook sharing of things that people were thankful for: my inner monologue's response to each and every post was "that's swell for you, but my life sucks ass and I'm not thankful for anything." It took half the month for me to even realize that this line of thinking wasn't rational, and it was a huge step backwards in my mindset from my growth over the past few years. I am still trying to figure out why my brain is stuck on "bitter", when just a year ago I was convinced I was the luckiest person alive.
Another difficult fight I only just put a name on yesterday: my hope has disappeared. I think this is probably connected to my addiction to bitterness. But it's one thing to quietly think to myself how unthankful I am, and another to look at my daughter and have nothing but fear for her future. Attending my neice's graduation made me remember my own, and I spent the entire day puzzling out how I could have felt so much excitment and hope for the future at my own graduation, and such an absence for my neice's future. Throughout my pregnancy, there was this trepidation in the back of my mind, afraid of the world I would be bringing my daughter into. These fears haven't been alleviated.
I should feel hope. R74 was approved by the voters in Washington state just last month, and legal gay marriages have started in this state just days ago. But the fight for rights has worn me down, and the opposition just sucked the hope right out of me. It occurred to me yesterday that coming out of the closet allowed hate to come out too. A century ago, did the average American spend even a minute of their lives contemplating gay rights, civil rights, or Christian bias? When my mother was born, what percentage of Americans even knew what Islam was? There was never a "very special episode" of Leave It To Beaver about coming out of the closet, equal rights, abortion, single mothers, or even Judaism. That phenomenon started in the 80s with Different Strokes and Family Ties, right? America didn't start taking off the blinders until the 80s? The Vietnam war and the civil rights movement were just grudgingly rolled into the fold by America, so happy not to talk about it any more when they were over. But none of this stuff is ever going to be over. Hell, is it even ever going to be fully accepted?
There are less hate crimes, less gay bashings, less racism in America, surely. But you know the problem I have with that? The word "less". Are we ever going to live in a world without hate?
We opened some kind of Pandora's box with the civil rights movement and AIDS and the fight for equality. Because suddenly these things were up for debate. As if equal rights for everyone should be debated, really? Are we really happier now that people like Rush Limbaugh can spew filth about gays and feminists on the airways in the quest for equality? Why does demanding your rights always lead to this tremendous, painful, dangerous backlash? It's enough to make a person want to slink back quietly into the closet and forget we ever opened our mouth.
My daughter is going to grow up in an America where white people aren't going to be the dominant race for much longer, where gay marriage is legal, where publicly celebrating non-Christian faith is commonplace, where reason and science are favored over tradition and superstition and ignorance. But she will also inherit an America that believes airing hatred on television is a form of fairness, where school districts try to call Creationism science, where laws are passed demanding public schools not cast Islam in a favorable light, where legal gay marriages aren't recognized by the entire country or the IRS or even your local hospital, where the science of global warming faces a public smear campaign because people are more afraid of losing money than losing the polar ice caps and breathable air.
Where does my reasonable fear for my daughter end and the irrational lies of my depression begin? I just don't know any more. I know I'm supposed to have hope, that we are moving on to a better future. But the current now is such a minefield of hatred and lies and danger, I just don't know how to keep hope in my heart.
How am I supposed to fight my bitterness in light of such heavy concerns?
Secrets and Lies
An extraordinary blogger that I do my best to follow posted something last night that was very timely, as secrets and lies have been on my mind quite a lot lately. There is something about going to my wellness group that reminds me of the secret life I live, and that keeping secrets is a form of lying. I feel like I am lying daily to the world, my daughter, my husband, and myself. I started blogging many years ago because the secret life needed to come out. Over the years, I've made private vows to myself to be more and more revealing. I have two motivations for this: helping myself, and helping others who are struggling with similar issues.
The problem with depression is that it's one of the things that no one talks about. It's on the news and the internet a lot now, so it's in the public eye so much more than just ten years ago. I'm sure Oprah and Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz have had multiple shows about it. But how deeply can you delve into depression with a paragraph on a news site, 30 seconds on the news, or even an hour on a television health show? And how easy is it to just tune out? If you do read/watch the entire thing, how long does it sit with you, this whitewash version of a living hell experienced by so many on a daily basis? Does it sit with you long enough to ask yourself who in your life may be hiding this secret life out of absolute terror of discovery?
I'm telling you that you know someone with depression. I'm here to tell you that you know someone living with a secret/lie.
I'm here to tell you that being discovered is not the end of the world. Telling your secret changes everything, it's true. But the biggest change is how it will change your thinking. Imagine living a life where you are not lying all the time. Imagine how much calmer your inner monologue will be, without all that buzzing anxiety and fear. Imagine how much more you can accomplish if half of your energy isn't tied up in strategizing the best ways to keep your secret. Imagine being able to live your life for your future, rather than constantly remembering the past as you worry about the now. I can't say it will be easier. I can't say it will be better. It will be different. But you can adjust to that. I will say that this adjusting is far easier than you've convinced yourself it would be to live a life in the open.
Some of us have dangerous secrets, and to you I say that your life is important, you are important, so stay safe. To all the people in hiding, I say you are important, and I wish I could hug each and every one of you right now. To those of you who have no idea that someone you love is living a lie, I say reach out and hug someone today. In fact, make it a point to hug everyone you love. Human contact is enormously healing, just try it and see. If you're not a "hugger", it's time you learn to change that. Humans are social animals who thrive on communication and physical interaction, and the easiest, quickest way to express caring for another person is through touch. If you give yourself a moment to relax into it, you will realize you are healing yourself too.
As for myself, I'm here to say that I am not just a Pessimist Mommy. I am a depressed mommy. I carry my depression with me like an invisible jacket of immense weight. And I personally apply new invisible paint to my burden on a regular basis. But there's no way to throw this thing off with all that invisible cover-up. There's no way to get better if I don't acknowledge it. There's no way to get help if I don't ask.
Finally, another caution: this post isn't a plea to be fixed. I am not asking for advice or solutions or even help. I merely beg for acceptance. I only seek to be understood. All those people out there living like this, they can only help themselves. You can't fix them, so please don't try. What you can do is lift them up. Listen to them, seek to understand them, cherish them. Make it known that you care. That is the best gift you can ever give.
The problem with depression is that it's one of the things that no one talks about. It's on the news and the internet a lot now, so it's in the public eye so much more than just ten years ago. I'm sure Oprah and Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz have had multiple shows about it. But how deeply can you delve into depression with a paragraph on a news site, 30 seconds on the news, or even an hour on a television health show? And how easy is it to just tune out? If you do read/watch the entire thing, how long does it sit with you, this whitewash version of a living hell experienced by so many on a daily basis? Does it sit with you long enough to ask yourself who in your life may be hiding this secret life out of absolute terror of discovery?
I'm telling you that you know someone with depression. I'm here to tell you that you know someone living with a secret/lie.
I'm here to tell you that being discovered is not the end of the world. Telling your secret changes everything, it's true. But the biggest change is how it will change your thinking. Imagine living a life where you are not lying all the time. Imagine how much calmer your inner monologue will be, without all that buzzing anxiety and fear. Imagine how much more you can accomplish if half of your energy isn't tied up in strategizing the best ways to keep your secret. Imagine being able to live your life for your future, rather than constantly remembering the past as you worry about the now. I can't say it will be easier. I can't say it will be better. It will be different. But you can adjust to that. I will say that this adjusting is far easier than you've convinced yourself it would be to live a life in the open.
Some of us have dangerous secrets, and to you I say that your life is important, you are important, so stay safe. To all the people in hiding, I say you are important, and I wish I could hug each and every one of you right now. To those of you who have no idea that someone you love is living a lie, I say reach out and hug someone today. In fact, make it a point to hug everyone you love. Human contact is enormously healing, just try it and see. If you're not a "hugger", it's time you learn to change that. Humans are social animals who thrive on communication and physical interaction, and the easiest, quickest way to express caring for another person is through touch. If you give yourself a moment to relax into it, you will realize you are healing yourself too.
As for myself, I'm here to say that I am not just a Pessimist Mommy. I am a depressed mommy. I carry my depression with me like an invisible jacket of immense weight. And I personally apply new invisible paint to my burden on a regular basis. But there's no way to throw this thing off with all that invisible cover-up. There's no way to get better if I don't acknowledge it. There's no way to get help if I don't ask.
Finally, another caution: this post isn't a plea to be fixed. I am not asking for advice or solutions or even help. I merely beg for acceptance. I only seek to be understood. All those people out there living like this, they can only help themselves. You can't fix them, so please don't try. What you can do is lift them up. Listen to them, seek to understand them, cherish them. Make it known that you care. That is the best gift you can ever give.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
P-A-D: Days 141-155, 1st Half of September
Day 141: August 31... um...
So, apparently I was so convinced that August 31 did not exist, I went ahead and didn't take any pictures. I'm shooting suspicious looks at my calendar as I write this.
Day 142: September 1, Happy Birthday Cousin Ashley!
We celebrated Ashley's 18th birthday in Ocean Shores. Her mom made her a confetti-chip cake, and Kai looks very interested...
Day 143: September 2, Missed It
Day 144: September 3, Giddyup!
Kai's first horsey ride. With Daddy's help, of course. Hi ho Silver!
Day 145: September 4, Being Sick is Exhausting
Mommy's little princess has a wee cold. Not really a big deal. Yet.
Day 146: September 5, Missed It
Day 147: September 6, Butterflies Are Yummie
Butterflies are not only tasty, but they're quite the distraction when you're sick...
Day 148: September 7, She Really Likes Her Sophie
The only thing on her mind is sweet dreams as she holds Sophie the giraffe close. What's on my mind? Finally, a chance to turn off the flash and use natural lighting for a picture!
Day 149: September 8, I'm Too Squirmy for Natural Lighting
The setting was perfect: nice lighting and still, quiet subjects. Until the camera comes out. I kept it on the no-flash setting, and the result is blurry. *sigh*
Day 150: September 9, Game Day for Touchdown Baby!
No amount of Touchdown Baby hijinks could save the game. Is that unimpressed expression due to the game, Daddy's forcing the issue, or her cold?
Day 151: September 10, Being Sick Really Is Exhausting
Her cold has become an ear infection. It's more punishing now, and it shows. Hopefully the antibiotics will help.
Day 152: September 11, Missed It
Day 153: September 12, First "Solids"
Kailea had her first "solid food": yogurt. She's been sick for over a week now with a cold, and we think the antibiotics are upsetting her stomach because there was much screaming yesterday when we tried to feed her, and then again when we gave up: she was obviously hungry and upset about it, but just as upset about us trying to feed her. When I called the doctor's office today, they suggested trying solids, specifically yogurt because the probiotics of it combats the yuck-tummy side effects of the antibiotics. I hate yogurt, so it was a huge coincidence that I actually had some on hand for some upcoming baking.
She really seemed to like the yogurt in the end. The experience was fun for us, watching her reactions, and also fun for her as she seems to enjoy anything new. She responded well to the spoon, wanting to grab it (but still not coordinated to help feed herself) and opening her mouth on most passes. Some of her expressions in the beginning were hilarious - she looked like someone eating something sour and tangy for the first time. Usually it's not quite so easy to gauge her expressions. There was a moment or two when I thought maybe she was going to throw it up, but that quickly passed and she was ready for more.
Much later that night, she did throw up. A really big one all over Daddy. There's no way to tell exactly what set her off, no way to rule out or blame the yogurt, but it's far more likely it was triggered by the bottle feeding Daddy had just given her. She has gotten blissfully better in the spit-up department over the past few weeks, going multiple days without. Unfortunately, when she does spit up, it's usually massive. Luckily for me, it's also usually right after her last feeding of the night so Eric gets to deal with it! It's tempting to just cut out that feeding, but she really needs the calories!
So now I'm guessing it's time to finally break out the research on solid foods. I was hoping to put that off for another few weeks. Life with baby is never what you expect!
(This was originally posted here: Milestone: Solid Foods + First Cold)
Day 154: September 13, 5 Months
Kailea Christine Cairns
9/13/12
5 months old
head circumference: 23.5 cm.
body length: 23.5 in.
weight: about 13 lbs.
Kailea is 5 months old. To celebrate we danced and sang songs and read books and took pictures and had some more yogurt. She also continued to be sick and slightly more grumpy than usual. The day wasn't all roses, but it wasn't all bad either. As sick babies go, Kailea is remarkably easy going.
In five months, the most notable change is just how much bigger she has gotten. She practically fills her co-sleeper now, which used to be so big for her that we would have to bolster her up to ensure she didn't slide down into a ball at the bottom by morning (it has an incline at the head for her reflux problems). Another noticeable change is that the reflux seems to have finally, blessedly, cleared up. It's hard to say if it's 100% gone since she's had some spells since she got sick, but we are pretty sure that's just from the antibiotics-induced-nausea and coughing fits. Another nice turn of events is just how happy she is. She's always been a pretty mellow baby, except when she's not (on or off, there is no middle ground in her moods!). But now she's obviously happy, evidenced by her constant smiles whenever she makes eye contact with anyone. They say that stranger anxiety begins soon, and I am dreading that, because watching her interact so happily with everyone and everything has been such a joy
As far as activities, we've remained home bodies for the most part, with just the occasional trip to the grocery store. Hopefully this changes soon, now that she's getting over her cold and she's getting more tolerant of not having her every need met instantaneously. Watching her hunger cues has been vital in keeping the meltdowns to a minimum, but it never used to keep them from happening - she would go from normal to hungry to screaming for food in about 60 seconds flat. Now, finally, she typically displays her cues and acts hungry for 5-10 minutes before the screaming begins. Well, except while she's been sick - when there have been no hunger cues because she has been too nauseated to be hungry and we've had some very frustrating days trying to make her eat enough to keep from getting worse.
There were some special activities thrown in: we went to cousin JR's birthday party at the Everett Children's Museum and we spent a weekend in Ocean Shores. She enjoyed the party because she really enjoys noisy, active scenes. She slept through almost the entirety of our afternoon at the beach, but definitely enjoyed the trip as a whole because so many family members were there to cuddle and entertain her.
In the next month, we're going to start the next level of PEPS, do some serious research on starting solids, and have more tummy time in hopes that this inspires her to begin to crawl. There's been a lot of talking from her this weekend, so I'm also anxiously waiting to see what her first real word in English will be.
(This was originally posted here: 5 Months Old)
Day 155: September 14, Missed It
So, apparently I was so convinced that August 31 did not exist, I went ahead and didn't take any pictures. I'm shooting suspicious looks at my calendar as I write this.
Day 142: September 1, Happy Birthday Cousin Ashley!
We celebrated Ashley's 18th birthday in Ocean Shores. Her mom made her a confetti-chip cake, and Kai looks very interested...
Day 143: September 2, Missed It
Day 144: September 3, Giddyup!
Kai's first horsey ride. With Daddy's help, of course. Hi ho Silver!
Day 145: September 4, Being Sick is Exhausting
Mommy's little princess has a wee cold. Not really a big deal. Yet.
Day 146: September 5, Missed It
Day 147: September 6, Butterflies Are Yummie
Butterflies are not only tasty, but they're quite the distraction when you're sick...
Day 148: September 7, She Really Likes Her Sophie
The only thing on her mind is sweet dreams as she holds Sophie the giraffe close. What's on my mind? Finally, a chance to turn off the flash and use natural lighting for a picture!
Day 149: September 8, I'm Too Squirmy for Natural Lighting
The setting was perfect: nice lighting and still, quiet subjects. Until the camera comes out. I kept it on the no-flash setting, and the result is blurry. *sigh*
Day 150: September 9, Game Day for Touchdown Baby!
No amount of Touchdown Baby hijinks could save the game. Is that unimpressed expression due to the game, Daddy's forcing the issue, or her cold?
Day 151: September 10, Being Sick Really Is Exhausting
Her cold has become an ear infection. It's more punishing now, and it shows. Hopefully the antibiotics will help.
Day 152: September 11, Missed It
Day 153: September 12, First "Solids"
Kailea had her first "solid food": yogurt. She's been sick for over a week now with a cold, and we think the antibiotics are upsetting her stomach because there was much screaming yesterday when we tried to feed her, and then again when we gave up: she was obviously hungry and upset about it, but just as upset about us trying to feed her. When I called the doctor's office today, they suggested trying solids, specifically yogurt because the probiotics of it combats the yuck-tummy side effects of the antibiotics. I hate yogurt, so it was a huge coincidence that I actually had some on hand for some upcoming baking.
She really seemed to like the yogurt in the end. The experience was fun for us, watching her reactions, and also fun for her as she seems to enjoy anything new. She responded well to the spoon, wanting to grab it (but still not coordinated to help feed herself) and opening her mouth on most passes. Some of her expressions in the beginning were hilarious - she looked like someone eating something sour and tangy for the first time. Usually it's not quite so easy to gauge her expressions. There was a moment or two when I thought maybe she was going to throw it up, but that quickly passed and she was ready for more.
Much later that night, she did throw up. A really big one all over Daddy. There's no way to tell exactly what set her off, no way to rule out or blame the yogurt, but it's far more likely it was triggered by the bottle feeding Daddy had just given her. She has gotten blissfully better in the spit-up department over the past few weeks, going multiple days without. Unfortunately, when she does spit up, it's usually massive. Luckily for me, it's also usually right after her last feeding of the night so Eric gets to deal with it! It's tempting to just cut out that feeding, but she really needs the calories!
So now I'm guessing it's time to finally break out the research on solid foods. I was hoping to put that off for another few weeks. Life with baby is never what you expect!
(This was originally posted here: Milestone: Solid Foods + First Cold)
Day 154: September 13, 5 Months
Kailea Christine Cairns
9/13/12
5 months old
head circumference: 23.5 cm.
body length: 23.5 in.
weight: about 13 lbs.
Kailea is 5 months old. To celebrate we danced and sang songs and read books and took pictures and had some more yogurt. She also continued to be sick and slightly more grumpy than usual. The day wasn't all roses, but it wasn't all bad either. As sick babies go, Kailea is remarkably easy going.
In five months, the most notable change is just how much bigger she has gotten. She practically fills her co-sleeper now, which used to be so big for her that we would have to bolster her up to ensure she didn't slide down into a ball at the bottom by morning (it has an incline at the head for her reflux problems). Another noticeable change is that the reflux seems to have finally, blessedly, cleared up. It's hard to say if it's 100% gone since she's had some spells since she got sick, but we are pretty sure that's just from the antibiotics-induced-nausea and coughing fits. Another nice turn of events is just how happy she is. She's always been a pretty mellow baby, except when she's not (on or off, there is no middle ground in her moods!). But now she's obviously happy, evidenced by her constant smiles whenever she makes eye contact with anyone. They say that stranger anxiety begins soon, and I am dreading that, because watching her interact so happily with everyone and everything has been such a joy
As far as activities, we've remained home bodies for the most part, with just the occasional trip to the grocery store. Hopefully this changes soon, now that she's getting over her cold and she's getting more tolerant of not having her every need met instantaneously. Watching her hunger cues has been vital in keeping the meltdowns to a minimum, but it never used to keep them from happening - she would go from normal to hungry to screaming for food in about 60 seconds flat. Now, finally, she typically displays her cues and acts hungry for 5-10 minutes before the screaming begins. Well, except while she's been sick - when there have been no hunger cues because she has been too nauseated to be hungry and we've had some very frustrating days trying to make her eat enough to keep from getting worse.
There were some special activities thrown in: we went to cousin JR's birthday party at the Everett Children's Museum and we spent a weekend in Ocean Shores. She enjoyed the party because she really enjoys noisy, active scenes. She slept through almost the entirety of our afternoon at the beach, but definitely enjoyed the trip as a whole because so many family members were there to cuddle and entertain her.
In the next month, we're going to start the next level of PEPS, do some serious research on starting solids, and have more tummy time in hopes that this inspires her to begin to crawl. There's been a lot of talking from her this weekend, so I'm also anxiously waiting to see what her first real word in English will be.
(This was originally posted here: 5 Months Old)
Day 155: September 14, Missed It
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