I want to be the hero of my own life

When did I become this angry, bitter, weak, fearful person? What happened to the fighter? Why do I constantly beat the horse of my past victimizations, instead of glorying in my surmounting so much agony? Why am I constantly the victim, and never the survivor?

I have this amazing child, and I spend so much time fearful that my past will damage her. Why is it so hard to see this amazing accomplishment for what it is? I have brought a joyful child into this world with all the intent, capability, and tools at my fingertips to make her life comfortable and challenging and amazing.

My life has been filled with obstacles to conquer and burdens to bear, and although it's been messy, here I am on the other side. I've survived it all. I don't want to tempt fate, but by now, haven't I learned so many lessons to help me with whatever comes next? I made it through this and that and that and that. Surely I can survive the future.

I am 40 years old, and I am so done with my childhood and youth. Yes, I miss firm skin and dancing, but that's about all I miss. The things I enjoyed, I still incorporate into my life. I still play. But I don't want to be wild and crazy and careless any more. I want to be settled. I am settled. But I want to revel in it. I want to revel in my comfy home and my loving family.

What I don't want is to constantly live my life rehashing my past. Let go, let go, let go!

So many people around me are optimistic about life, and I'm just not that person. My life has been dominated by chaos. I was a pessimist before I left grade school. But I think there is something to this notion that you can create the life you want for yourself. I can plan for future endeavors and prepare for possible falling trees. But I don't need to worry about the possibility of getting hit by a bus or Mt. Rainier erupting. Life has taught me to prepare, therapy has taught me not to worry. But how exactly does living in my past help prepare me for the future? How does it help me in the now?

It doesn't. It just drags me down all over again. The memories of past harm do me harm over and over and over again, and that is my fault. The original acts were perpetrated against me. Reliving them is of my own doing.

I want to shake it off, but how do you slough off a part of who you are? This is part of my identity. It's made me who I am today. It's not going to go away, it can't be removed. That's just not possible. But I can say goodbye to it. I can close the door on it.

That sounds so easy, just shoving it all into the closet and shutting the light and locking the door, to turn towards the brilliant sunlight that is the future.

And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

*sigh* Pessimist Mysie is here to stay. I am not sunshine and roses, and I never will be. But I don't need to be thunderstorms and thorns either. I would be perfectly content with a nice refreshing rain and a scattering of wildflowers.

6 + 7 + 8 + 9 + 10 months

Kailea Christine Cairns
10/13/12
6 months old

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Kailea Christine Cairns
11/13/12
7 months old
weight: 14.8 lbs.

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Kailea Christine Cairns
12/13/12
8 months old

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Kailea Christine Cairns
1/13/13
9 months old
head circumference: 43 cm.
body length: 25 in.
weight: about 15.8 lbs.

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Kailea Christine Cairns
2/13/13
10 months old
head circumference: 43 cm.
body length: 26 in.

Today my girl is 10 months old and she's getting so big! She's only an inch longer, with the same head size as last month, but we're finally forced to put away all of her 3 month clothes. For some time now her wardrobe has ranged in size from 3 months to 6 months to 9 months. Trying to anticipate what size she will be on her birthday has been frustrating me.

Yep, I'm starting to plan her birthday. Oh. My. God. My girl will be turning a year old in only two months! Wow. Seriously, wow.

The past month has been filled with milestones, as well as a double ear infection. A few weeks ago I was talking with some other parents about the different stages in development between our 3 babies. The 10 month old just started clapping the week before. The 6 month old was just opening her palms when her mom helped her to clap. Kai was still close-fisted and stiff-armed whenever I tried to get her to clap. Still, I went home and tried it a couple of times. To my surprise, the next day she was opening her palm, and a day or two after that she was clapping all on her own. She thinks it is the most awesome thing in the world. She clap, clap, claps all the time now.

Within days of learning to clap, she suddenly initiated a game of peek-a-boo with her Daddy. We were astonished. Until that point, only Eric's mom had had any success with Kai enjoying peek-a-boo - watching only, and as far as I know with a short attention span. With me, she didn't "get it" when I hid myself, and downright hated it when I tried to hide her under a blanket or even just a see-through scarf. And then there she was, raising and then slightly lowering the blanket to peak around the corner at Eric. When he told me about it, I was thrilled but also sad that I had missed it. But when I turned to her and said the phrase "peek-a-boo" a few times, she suddenly started playing with me. So not only was she playing the game, but she understood that what it was called. Which was such a relief, since there don't seem to be very many words that she acts as if she understands. So far it's just been "mommy", "daddy", "kitty", and "milk". Plus, I was fearful she was a little hard-of-hearing, especially after this second round of ear infections (she had one in the Fall). So to have evidence that she can hear and understand and then instigate based on that. "Wow" just doesn't cover it.

I was also fearful of some possible developmental delays, which I brought up with the pediatrician at her 9 month appointment. (FYI, the girl is a trooper with her shots - just a bit of a scream and a minute of tears and then she's over it!) The doctor didn't see anything to worry about, with the possible except of her inability to get from a sitting position to down onto the floor. So we had her practice that for a few days and eventually she figured it out. First not so reliably, but just today I was noticing she had no problems with it at all.

Still no crawling though, although she tries all the time. She "commando" crawls, using her arms to drag herself along. Over the weeks she has used her legs more and more in this process, and gets up on her knees all the time. She just hasn't figured out that she can get up on her knees and then move them forward to help her along. She has tried a handful of times and suddenly tips over from losing her balance. Over the past two days, she has moved her knees a little, only to either (a) move it right back to where it was instead of moving forward, or (b) give up and plop on her belly. She does that all the time now, so we've almost completely stopped trying to practice crawling with her. She will move a few inches and then stop, staring out into space or examining the carpet. Is she bored? Is she contemplating the meaning of the universe? Who knows. We figure she's going to figure it out eventually, so we'll just let her figure it out.

The only other milestone I can think of is that I was worried she wasn't using her pincer grip on food bits. We've been having her work on that too, and it's paid off. Now if she will figure out how to eat the food bits without gagging, we might be on our way to real people food!