Third Trimester Update

We are now two weeks into the Third Trimester, and things are different, but the same. It's both easier and harder. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Our keiki is doing very well, still growing. She has moved up to 18th percentile in size. Bigger, but definitely not where I want her to be. My uterus is in perfectly normal size range though, and we accidentally initiated a non-stress test the last time the OB checked her heartbeat. That's when the baby moves, and you check that the baby's heart rate increased - it should go up about 10BPM for about 10 seconds. Well, I had a weird muscle twitch in my back, which she responded to quite strongly, and instantly her heart rate went up just as the laws of good pregnancy predicted. Yay! It was a fun moment, listening to her ramp up right after a good, strong movement from her.

She still lots of inactive times, but her active times are more frequent. Maybe she is active when I'm asleep, but not enough to wake me up? She most certainly was active during the ultra sound - I have a theory that she just does not like those, because she always moves around the entire time I've had every single one. In the beginning, I had no idea that ultra sounds could be so tedious - I've now had three of these growth monitoring sessions where they go over her anatomy and take a bazillion measurements. These have all lasted well over an hour. Ugh. But when they switch gears and show me profile views of her, it is always entertaining. This time around, she was laying on her back, with her legs stretched out over her, so her feet dangled over her head. I got to actually watch her do her "stretch" against my belly, and at least that day, it was actually her legs, not her back, that was pressing outwards. It's truly fascinating.

Oh, and she's definitely a girl! Whew! I was just not satisfied with their demonstration from last time, which went something like "See this, there's nothing there, so it's a girl." This time, it was "See this? That's her vagina. She's a girl!"

In the "good things that don't feel so good" category, it seems as if I can feel her growing. I feel fatter and more ungainly every day. My belly is most definitely bigger. I am not consistently gaining weight yet though. I noticed that I've lost enough weight that my too-tight winter boots are no longer too tight, but gained enough girth that my maternity jeans almost stay up by themselves. Almost isn't cutting it though, so I finally bought a pair of men's suspenders. I love them! They would look cute in public if I wasn't using them on jeans that I can't zip or button, but alas they must be covered as I hide the big gaping space so strangers don't stare at my underwear. I have not yet tried them on the maternity pants - I just don't think I could secure them well enough. Oh well. At the rate I'm going, I should be able to wear those pants just fine within a few weeks.

So now on to the category of "new things that suck to add to the old". I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I alternately want to scream, cry, babble about, or remain silent about this development. I think for now, I will just say that this was an added complication that I really didn't need. It just compounds every other thing I'm going through, bringing me to tears at least once a day. It's only the first week though, so we'll see how things are in a few days.

Also, despite the warmth and understanding and knowledgability of my diabetes testing nurse, I did not leave my teaching appointment "empowered". I left terrified, and with the conviction the next time I hear "it's for the baby", "it's not forever", or "it will all be worth it when the baby comes", the speaker better be standing well clear from me. Say, 20 feet or so? And it would probably be wise for them to consider wearing good running shoes as well. Perhaps some body padding and/or an umpire's mask?

Is that you baby?

I'm having my first Third Trimester ultrasound later today, and I'm hoping it will settle my nerves a little. The baby was in the 12th percentile range for growth at the last ultrasound. Between my weight loss, my inability to eat regularly, and my medications, there's a lot working against this little keiki right now. At my last OB appointment (I go to a separate facility for the important ultrasounds), the doctor said my uterus measurements had caught up, so the baby was probably growing just fine now. He still wanted this follow-up scan done before he sees me next though.

One of my secret worries is that the baby doesn't move enough, and is that a bad sign? Whenever I wonder this, I immediately remind myself how difficult it's been for me to even tell when the baby is kicking, and just to shut up and relax.

Because there is a whole bunch of activity inside me that I don't know how to categorize properly any more. It was frustrating enough when I stopped being able to differentiate between hunger and nausea and fullness and heartburn. Now there are pains, jerks, spasms, stretching. I frequently get these episodes that feel like repetitive muscle spasms low in my intestines. Can that be the baby? Really? All the way down there? Or is it gas?

Everyone's heard of the age-old pregnancy complaint of the baby sitting, or occasionally dancing/jumping, on mommy's bladder - hence the frequent urination. Well, not once has anyone ever described that as a painful sensation. Yet during an outing in December, it felt like the baby was spending hours on end standing straight up and down, feet on my bladder, arms out for bracing, and then using all her might to push down. It felt like she was slowly but surely trying to "pop" my bladder, and it was definitely a painful sensation.

Similarly, but without the pain, are her "stretches". These feel like she's waking up from her fetal position, and slowly trying to sit up straight, pushing her back against the wall of my uterus. It's uncomfortable, but not painful. Although once or twice I became slightly alarmed at just how far she was pushing and would my uterus continue to stretch like that.

Yes, there have been kicks/punches. Definite jabs caused by baby. Whew! Such a relief to have a clear sign! Two friends recently mentioned the baby "rolling". Now what on earth is that going to feel like?!

Then there is what happened this morning. It felt like I had a six-limbed, uber-strong, super excited baby in there throwing a crazy temper tantrum. Seriously keiki, how can you possibly kick me there and there and there all at the same time??? And couldn't she tell that mommy was really nauseated before she even started?

I have to say, I am not happy with her tendency to stomp on my bladder and kick at my belly while I'm trying desperately to keep from vomiting up that day's hard-won nutrients.

Still, whatever it happens to be at the time, whenever there is any movement down there, I am very happy to know that it means she's in there and doing ok.

Where is the meaning to my life?

I turn 39 this Saturday. Almost 40, pregnant with my first child, and a New Year has begun - I'm feeling introspective.

More and more, I look around me and I am disappointed with my life. Well, disappointed in myself and what little I have created. Where is the meaning to my life? What is the impact of my being here? What have I done that I can be proud of?

For almost as long as I can remember, my goal has been to make a difference with my life. The bigger, the better, sure. But small ways are important to. Most of all, to do something lasting. To do things or even just one thing that makes a real difference in the world, something that goes on and outlives me somehow. Something that continues to make ripples in the world, long after my initial involvement.

I know I have have made a difference in the past. But was it enough? Have I touched enough lives, made enough of a difference? I long ago stopped resting on my laurels, and now only rest on my ass. My life is filled with myself. If the opportunity to make change or help someone presents itself, I usually jump at the chance to at least try. But it's been so long since I've sought out to "be the change in the world you want to see." I don't believe there's some cosmic score card, no great book of deeds at the Pearly Gates. And yet... I feel a gaping hole in the plus column of my life. I am sad that there are so many in the negative column, more than I ever thought to see, but it's the absence of more good that troubles me more.

I believe I am still a good person. It's always been so very important to me to be a good person. So yes, there is dismay when I trip up badly. But it's so much more important to me to create good. To help people, lessen burdens, ease suffering, inspire kindness, share knowledge, open eyes and minds and hearts.

And so right now, my greatest shame is not my past mistakes. It is my failure to act. It is my laziness. My complacency. My ass on the damned couch day after day.

I want it to change. I want to change. Now. Today. Why is it so difficult?