I want to be the hero of my own life

When did I become this angry, bitter, weak, fearful person? What happened to the fighter? Why do I constantly beat the horse of my past victimizations, instead of glorying in my surmounting so much agony? Why am I constantly the victim, and never the survivor?

I have this amazing child, and I spend so much time fearful that my past will damage her. Why is it so hard to see this amazing accomplishment for what it is? I have brought a joyful child into this world with all the intent, capability, and tools at my fingertips to make her life comfortable and challenging and amazing.

My life has been filled with obstacles to conquer and burdens to bear, and although it's been messy, here I am on the other side. I've survived it all. I don't want to tempt fate, but by now, haven't I learned so many lessons to help me with whatever comes next? I made it through this and that and that and that. Surely I can survive the future.

I am 40 years old, and I am so done with my childhood and youth. Yes, I miss firm skin and dancing, but that's about all I miss. The things I enjoyed, I still incorporate into my life. I still play. But I don't want to be wild and crazy and careless any more. I want to be settled. I am settled. But I want to revel in it. I want to revel in my comfy home and my loving family.

What I don't want is to constantly live my life rehashing my past. Let go, let go, let go!

So many people around me are optimistic about life, and I'm just not that person. My life has been dominated by chaos. I was a pessimist before I left grade school. But I think there is something to this notion that you can create the life you want for yourself. I can plan for future endeavors and prepare for possible falling trees. But I don't need to worry about the possibility of getting hit by a bus or Mt. Rainier erupting. Life has taught me to prepare, therapy has taught me not to worry. But how exactly does living in my past help prepare me for the future? How does it help me in the now?

It doesn't. It just drags me down all over again. The memories of past harm do me harm over and over and over again, and that is my fault. The original acts were perpetrated against me. Reliving them is of my own doing.

I want to shake it off, but how do you slough off a part of who you are? This is part of my identity. It's made me who I am today. It's not going to go away, it can't be removed. That's just not possible. But I can say goodbye to it. I can close the door on it.

That sounds so easy, just shoving it all into the closet and shutting the light and locking the door, to turn towards the brilliant sunlight that is the future.

And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

*sigh* Pessimist Mysie is here to stay. I am not sunshine and roses, and I never will be. But I don't need to be thunderstorms and thorns either. I would be perfectly content with a nice refreshing rain and a scattering of wildflowers.