This is officially The Worst Pregnancy Ever. Or, as I explained to my sister, I've heard of people with worse pregnancies, but I've never met them! OK, fine, I know one person who had placenta previa, ok? Are you happy? Stop ruining my bitch-fest! I only have so much time until my next puking session...
Nausea and vomiting have become more frequent again. The roughly 4 pounds I had fought so hard to gain back was somehow lost over the course of last weekend - when I actually ate the most in 48 hours that I can remember for months. This week I have hovered between 189.0 and 192.6. Yes, I just admitted my weight, but to demonstrate a point: the lowest weight I have been in the past 10 years is 191 pounds. This has gotten ridiculous.
I am tired of waking up at odd hours feeling both hungry and nauseated, as I did this morning. I am tired of my sniffles triggering coughing which engages my trigger-happy gag reflex into vomiting. I am tired of feeling starving, wracking my brain for 15 minutes, only to still not think of anything I can stomach and/or become more nauseated. I am tired of wishing I could vomit like they do in the movies, instead of convulsing so hard that I can't breathe, I pee myself, I tear up, and my face gets red spots that last for at least 24-48 hours. I am tired of being pale and blotchy, with purpley-pink bags under my puffy eyes, and what looks like the tail-end of chicken pox on my cheeks and around my eyes. I'm tired of pizza and Captain Crunch. I am tired of spending the rest of the day after vomiting wondering if I'm going to again because my stomach continues to cramp off and on. I'm tired of constantly reminding myself that the word vomiting only has one "t" in it. I'm tired of not being able to wear my labradorite ring that I have worn almost every day since Eric bought it for me over a year ago. I'm tired of freaking out that I'm going to lose my wedding rings down the sink when I wash my hands. I'm tired of being tired, and I'm tired of sleeping to avoid nausea and depression and movement.
On the plus side, I have discovered that the water from the tap in the bathroom tastes like ambrosia after I puke. Mind you, it has always provided the best tasting water in the house, but this tastes like there is real sugar in it. But without tasting like nasty sugar water.
For the most part, I am doing pretty well, considering. It's only after a long stretch in front of the porcelain god that I get really upset. Then I feel weak and desperate and lonely and at my wit's end. After an hour or two, I feel a bit better, just exhausted. That is how I spend most of my time, feeling so exhausted that I don't do or feel much at all - I'm just waiting to see what and when the next punch will be. I am constantly living in the present. I can't really remember who I was or what was important to me before the pregnancy, and I can't really imagine (or believe in) a future after the pregnancy.
I told my therapist I am convinced I will be the first woman to continue to having morning sickness after the pregnancy is finished. I can't imagine life without it.
A baby is "the ultimate parasite", or so I've been told, capable of stripping the calcium straight from your bones, along with any other nutrients your body isn't supplying readily enough. It's like a little vampire, sucking you up physically and mentally. Bella's pregnancy experience as described in the book Breaking Dawn sounds awfully familiar. The movie version, however, reminded me that there are such things as having it worse. Is it too much to hope that after I give birth I will be auto-magically CGI'd into a perfect, most beautiful version of myself? Right, that would require vampire venom. *sigh*.
Oh, and then there are the dreams. Sleep being my only escape right now, I am very much pissed off about the dreams. My closest friends will know that I have always had troubling dreams - dreams so realistic and involved and emotional that they affect my Real Life for hours or days after, or sometimes the rest of my life. I thought I had experienced all the terror and fear and heartache and loneliness and abandonment and emotional upheaval possible - the worst ones repeat. Often. But no, there are new ones. And old ones made worse. And more frequent. More often than not, I wake up convinced I should write it all down so that I can turn it into a story. The one time I did that, I just remembered more and more bizarre things that made no sense, until I lost all track of how I could possibly turn it into anything that would be comprehensible to anyone but me.
And so here I am, hungry again. This is how things started 3 hours ago - I woke up hungry enough to feel nauseated, ate something, and then vomited it all up shortly afterward. So now I need to decide all over again if it's worth it to try and eat. Will it settle my stomach finally? Or just make me lose it again? And in the mean time, can I please stop replaying that dream in my head? Please?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Halfway There!
Previously Unposted from December 4, 2011
We're halfway there! Yesterday marked 133 days under my belt, 133 days to go. Whoot!
Yesterday we celebrated with a leisurely drive to Lake Stevens and then Snohomish, where we had a lovely brunch before doing some furniture shopping. We visited both buildings of the new Washington Public Market, which is hosting a great sale of bankruptcy liquidated furniture. It's also an amazing venue for anyone looking for a new spot to sell their wares at small markets. The enormous wine tasting area and cafe looked great, but alas we are not wine drinkers!
We also went to Lynnwood and hit 3 furniture stores there, but in the end we believe we've found the crucial piece we've been searching for at that sale in Snohomish. I'm just not relishing heading back there to make the purchase. The day was topped off by some incredible butter chicken at the Saffron Grill. I'm so glad we finally decided to try this place.
The surprising part about yesterday was how much I ate, since my stomach was being... wonky off and on all day. I woke up feeling 100% yesterday, did pretty well on the drive, and personally picked out the restaurant for breakfast because I was so excited to finally have eggs benedict again! The moment we opened our menus, I realized there was no way in hell I could eat that. In fact, everything on the menu sounded like a sure-fire way to send me running to the bathroom to hurl after a single bite.
The strange part was how I still wanted so very badly to have it, my mouth watering, while my stomach insisted I would regret it within moments. Brain and taste buds and stomach finally agreed that 2 slices of French Toast would probably be ok. The maple syrup was divine! And then I finally broke down and had a bite of Eric's eggs benedict, which he ordered just in case I changed my mind, and I had to refrain myself from wiping his plate clean of every last drop of sauce. A good hollandaise sauce is so hard to find, and there's was perfect!
And I didn't have to run to the potty or use my air sickness bag! The day continued in much the same way, wheeling unexpectedly between well and nauseated. So dinner was definitely a pleasant surprise!
Not that it should have been. This is what 2nd Trimester has been like so far. Bouncing from nauseated to starving on a whim. There have still been plenty of cases of feeling both at the same time, which is about the worst possible feeling ever. The result is that despite more time feeling well, I'm spending just about the same amount of days cooped up at home waiting to vomit. Which is in itself interesting because it's been, drumroll please, over a week since my last "episode".
It's just hard to be excited when my stomach sends me different signals minute by minute. >.<
We're halfway there! Yesterday marked 133 days under my belt, 133 days to go. Whoot!
Yesterday we celebrated with a leisurely drive to Lake Stevens and then Snohomish, where we had a lovely brunch before doing some furniture shopping. We visited both buildings of the new Washington Public Market, which is hosting a great sale of bankruptcy liquidated furniture. It's also an amazing venue for anyone looking for a new spot to sell their wares at small markets. The enormous wine tasting area and cafe looked great, but alas we are not wine drinkers!
We also went to Lynnwood and hit 3 furniture stores there, but in the end we believe we've found the crucial piece we've been searching for at that sale in Snohomish. I'm just not relishing heading back there to make the purchase. The day was topped off by some incredible butter chicken at the Saffron Grill. I'm so glad we finally decided to try this place.
The surprising part about yesterday was how much I ate, since my stomach was being... wonky off and on all day. I woke up feeling 100% yesterday, did pretty well on the drive, and personally picked out the restaurant for breakfast because I was so excited to finally have eggs benedict again! The moment we opened our menus, I realized there was no way in hell I could eat that. In fact, everything on the menu sounded like a sure-fire way to send me running to the bathroom to hurl after a single bite.
The strange part was how I still wanted so very badly to have it, my mouth watering, while my stomach insisted I would regret it within moments. Brain and taste buds and stomach finally agreed that 2 slices of French Toast would probably be ok. The maple syrup was divine! And then I finally broke down and had a bite of Eric's eggs benedict, which he ordered just in case I changed my mind, and I had to refrain myself from wiping his plate clean of every last drop of sauce. A good hollandaise sauce is so hard to find, and there's was perfect!
And I didn't have to run to the potty or use my air sickness bag! The day continued in much the same way, wheeling unexpectedly between well and nauseated. So dinner was definitely a pleasant surprise!
Not that it should have been. This is what 2nd Trimester has been like so far. Bouncing from nauseated to starving on a whim. There have still been plenty of cases of feeling both at the same time, which is about the worst possible feeling ever. The result is that despite more time feeling well, I'm spending just about the same amount of days cooped up at home waiting to vomit. Which is in itself interesting because it's been, drumroll please, over a week since my last "episode".
It's just hard to be excited when my stomach sends me different signals minute by minute. >.<
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pregnancy
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