P-A-D: Days 156 - 171, 2nd Half of September

Day 156: September 15, Our Big Eared Munchkin

I never noticed before, but are Kai's ears a little... overly prominent? I'm sure her lack of any real hair has something to do with it.

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Day 157: September 16, missed it

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Day 158: September 17, We Like Purple

Not too matchy-matchy, but just right.

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Day 159: September 18, Sharing with Cousin JR

Aunt Heidi and Cousin JR came over to visit, two of Kailea's favorite people! JR is of an age where sharing is not a new concept, but it's still not an easy thing to do willingly. Here is JR spontaneously handing Kai her Sophie.

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Day 160: September 19, She's Outgrowing Everything!

Here 3 Month clothes are finally fitting right, but watching her grow out of her 3 Months stuff was kind of sad. Here she is barely fitting in her co-sleeper. Now that she's too old for it, I thought it might make a good nap station for the living room. But that's not going to last much longer either!

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Day 161: September 20, Shaka Brah

She seems to be a little confused on the proper placement of the fingers, but I think she'll get it eventually. But there is no way am I teaching her Pidgin. I sound like a moron when I try. I'll have to leave that up to her Aunt and Uncles.

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Day 162: September 21, Nomnomnom

Those rings certainly look delicious, don't they?

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Day 163: September 22, Giggle Girl

Kailea has got to be one of the happiest babies on the planet. She smiles at everyone. And now she's got a giggle to go with it!

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Day 164: September 23, We're Sweet on Pooh

My sweet girl, looking adorable in her Pooh dress. Any idea how many shots it took to get that Pooh on her dress to stay visible and keep her looking at the camera? Finally, my patience was rewarded with a smile to top it all off! Seriously though, who designs baby dresses with the applique so far from the middle that you practically have to turn the baby over on her side to get it in the shot? Sadists, that's who.

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Day 165: September 24, O-o-o-h Lights!

Yet another turtle for my honu girl. This one lights up! I think we may have to aquire more toys with lights.

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Day 166: September 25, My Little Elf

It didn't look Christmassy hanging in the store, but once I put the matching cap on her head and noticed it making her ears stick out, I realized she looked like a little Elf. This shot with her tongue sticking out just cements the idea for me.

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Day 167: September 26, missed it

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Day 168: September 27, missed it

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Day 169: September 28, First Food = Oatmeal!

Hey Mikey, she likes it! Today we had our first solid food*, baby oatmeal, and it was a hit! She seemed to find the entire process really fun, smiling and giggling and enjoying herself the whole time. Success!!! *Please ignore the flirtation with yogurt a month ago when she was sick...

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Day 170: September 29, Jennings Park Picture Day

Today we had some professional photos taken at Jennings Park in Marysville. Doesn't she look adorable in that outfit? And both her socks are still on! The sun was out and Fall seemed a world away, so we made an extended day of it. We stopped over for a quick visit with Aunt Heidi and Cousin JR, then headed out to Granite Falls for a little walk and nature appreciation. The day kind of went downhill when we sat down to have dinner at a little Greek place and Kai had her first public diaper blowout. While all of her gear was still in the car. I kept my cool, walked her back while holding her very carefully, changed her in the trunk, and then changed my shirt right there on main street because I managed to get poo on myself. What a day!

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Day 171: September 30, Please Sir, I'd like Some More

Yep, the girl still likes her oatmeal!

My Secret Life

This post is related to the previous one, I swear. Trying to write this led to the other one. Because this is the lie I live: that the me you see when I show up for a meeting or post on Facebook had to overcome all this inner-doubt and tiring inner war just to get out the door or jot down two coherent sentences without screaming "Oh my god, would you shoot me in the face because my mind is driving me crazy?!

Someone recently shared that they were told to "snap out" of their depression. This is so frustrating and heartbreaking to hear. Frustrating, because it's impossible. Heartbreaking, because someone who loves you should know that already. Maybe you have heard that when an anorexic looks in the mirror, their mind fools them into seeing a fat person, no matter how dangerously skinny they become. Depression is somewhat like this - your own mind deceives and lies to you. How exactly does one "snap out" of that? You don't. With therapy, coaching, and constant self vigilance, you can try to combat the lies with rational thinking. But an inner dialog of rational thought trying to overcome constant self-destructive, self-loathing lies very quickly becomes exhausting. You know the television gag where a person has an angel sitting on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Imagine that going on in your head 24/7, every day of your life without pause. But there is no angel or devil costumes to tell one side from the other. The voice of your depression and the voice of your rational side sound exactly the same. Constantly questioning whether your doubts are valid or imaginary gets so tiring that you quickly slip into old habits: it's just easier to believe the lies. But once you give in, your rational voice just gets quieter and quieter until it almost disappears completely.

There is nothing quite as surreal as a rational thought popping into your head that challenges your current trend of thinking, and realizing to yourself this is a familiar line of thinking, how did I forget this? The standard lies of depression happen daily: I don't have enough energy to take a shower, I don't need to get out of the house today, I can't possibly do anything social today. Remembering the truth, that showering and leaving the house and socializing actually make you feel better, is one of the easier set of depression's lies to work yourself out of. The flipside being that it's pretty easy to let yourself slide because you'll always have tomorrow to make up for what you decided you didn't want to do today.

The more profound, deep, or vague lines of thought are much harder to combat because they're that much harder to notice what's happening. Questioning your self-worth, doubting people's love for you, dwelling on the past... these are the dangerous thoughts. They are insidious, sneaky, ever present, and yet difficult to see for what they are: lies.

For me, my "easy" battles are with the mundane decisions of life: do I really have to get out of bed today?; do I really need a shower?; what would be the quickest and easiest way to alleviate my hunger, healthy eating be damned?; do I really have to get dressed?; which of these phone calls/emails/meetings can I put off until tomorrow?; how can I get out of this lunch with my friend?; will it be ok if I watch TV for another hour instead of reading to my kid?; 15 more minutes of mind-numbing internet time won't hurt me, right? Maybe they are easier because they require immediate decision making? Who knows? But being so mundane, something that has to be decided over and over again every day, it's just so easy to make the wrong choice.

My difficult battles are hard to even put a finger on, let alone fully realize them or share them with someone else. The month of November was very difficult for me because of all the Facebook sharing of things that people were thankful for: my inner monologue's response to each and every post was "that's swell for you, but my life sucks ass and I'm not thankful for anything." It took half the month for me to even realize that this line of thinking wasn't rational, and it was a huge step backwards in my mindset from my growth over the past few years. I am still trying to figure out why my brain is stuck on "bitter", when just a year ago I was convinced I was the luckiest person alive.

Another difficult fight I only just put a name on yesterday: my hope has disappeared. I think this is probably connected to my addiction to bitterness. But it's one thing to quietly think to myself how unthankful I am, and another to look at my daughter and have nothing but fear for her future. Attending my neice's graduation made me remember my own, and I spent the entire day puzzling out how I could have felt so much excitment and hope for the future at my own graduation, and such an absence for my neice's future. Throughout my pregnancy, there was this trepidation in the back of my mind, afraid of the world I would be bringing my daughter into. These fears haven't been alleviated.

I should feel hope. R74 was approved by the voters in Washington state just last month, and legal gay marriages have started in this state just days ago. But the fight for rights has worn me down, and the opposition just sucked the hope right out of me. It occurred to me yesterday that coming out of the closet allowed hate to come out too. A century ago, did the average American spend even a minute of their lives contemplating gay rights, civil rights, or Christian bias? When my mother was born, what percentage of Americans even knew what Islam was? There was never a "very special episode" of Leave It To Beaver about coming out of the closet, equal rights, abortion, single mothers, or even Judaism. That phenomenon started in the 80s with Different Strokes and Family Ties, right? America didn't start taking off the blinders until the 80s? The Vietnam war and the civil rights movement were just grudgingly rolled into the fold by America, so happy not to talk about it any more when they were over. But none of this stuff is ever going to be over. Hell, is it even ever going to be fully accepted?

There are less hate crimes, less gay bashings, less racism in America, surely. But you know the problem I have with that? The word "less". Are we ever going to live in a world without hate?

We opened some kind of Pandora's box with the civil rights movement and AIDS and the fight for equality. Because suddenly these things were up for debate. As if equal rights for everyone should be debated, really? Are we really happier now that people like Rush Limbaugh can spew filth about gays and feminists on the airways in the quest for equality? Why does demanding your rights always lead to this tremendous, painful, dangerous backlash? It's enough to make a person want to slink back quietly into the closet and forget we ever opened our mouth.

My daughter is going to grow up in an America where white people aren't going to be the dominant race for much longer, where gay marriage is legal, where publicly celebrating non-Christian faith is commonplace, where reason and science are favored over tradition and superstition and ignorance. But she will also inherit an America that believes airing hatred on television is a form of fairness, where school districts try to call Creationism science, where laws are passed demanding public schools not cast Islam in a favorable light, where legal gay marriages aren't recognized by the entire country or the IRS or even your local hospital, where the science of global warming faces a public smear campaign because people are more afraid of losing money than losing the polar ice caps and breathable air.

Where does my reasonable fear for my daughter end and the irrational lies of my depression begin? I just don't know any more. I know I'm supposed to have hope, that we are moving on to a better future. But the current now is such a minefield of hatred and lies and danger, I just don't know how to keep hope in my heart.

How am I supposed to fight my bitterness in light of such heavy concerns?

Secrets and Lies

An extraordinary blogger that I do my best to follow posted something last night that was very timely, as secrets and lies have been on my mind quite a lot lately. There is something about going to my wellness group that reminds me of the secret life I live, and that keeping secrets is a form of lying. I feel like I am lying daily to the world, my daughter, my husband, and myself. I started blogging many years ago because the secret life needed to come out. Over the years, I've made private vows to myself to be more and more revealing. I have two motivations for this: helping myself, and helping others who are struggling with similar issues.

The problem with depression is that it's one of the things that no one talks about. It's on the news and the internet a lot now, so it's in the public eye so much more than just ten years ago. I'm sure Oprah and Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz have had multiple shows about it. But how deeply can you delve into depression with a paragraph on a news site, 30 seconds on the news, or even an hour on a television health show? And how easy is it to just tune out? If you do read/watch the entire thing, how long does it sit with you, this whitewash version of a living hell experienced by so many on a daily basis? Does it sit with you long enough to ask yourself who in your life may be hiding this secret life out of absolute terror of discovery?

I'm telling you that you know someone with depression. I'm here to tell you that you know someone living with a secret/lie.

I'm here to tell you that being discovered is not the end of the world. Telling your secret changes everything, it's true. But the biggest change is how it will change your thinking. Imagine living a life where you are not lying all the time. Imagine how much calmer your inner monologue will be, without all that buzzing anxiety and fear. Imagine how much more you can accomplish if half of your energy isn't tied up in strategizing the best ways to keep your secret. Imagine being able to live your life for your future, rather than constantly remembering the past as you worry about the now. I can't say it will be easier. I can't say it will be better. It will be different. But you can adjust to that. I will say that this adjusting is far easier than you've convinced yourself it would be to live a life in the open.

Some of us have dangerous secrets, and to you I say that your life is important, you are important, so stay safe. To all the people in hiding, I say you are important, and I wish I could hug each and every one of you right now. To those of you who have no idea that someone you love is living a lie, I say reach out and hug someone today. In fact, make it a point to hug everyone you love. Human contact is enormously healing, just try it and see. If you're not a "hugger", it's time you learn to change that. Humans are social animals who thrive on communication and physical interaction, and the easiest, quickest way to express caring for another person is through touch. If you give yourself a moment to relax into it, you will realize you are healing yourself too.

As for myself, I'm here to say that I am not just a Pessimist Mommy. I am a depressed mommy. I carry my depression with me like an invisible jacket of immense weight. And I personally apply new invisible paint to my burden on a regular basis. But there's no way to throw this thing off with all that invisible cover-up. There's no way to get better if I don't acknowledge it. There's no way to get help if I don't ask.

Finally, another caution: this post isn't a plea to be fixed. I am not asking for advice or solutions or even help. I merely beg for acceptance. I only seek to be understood. All those people out there living like this, they can only help themselves. You can't fix them, so please don't try. What you can do is lift them up. Listen to them, seek to understand them, cherish them. Make it known that you care. That is the best gift you can ever give.

P-A-D: Days 141-155, 1st Half of September

Day 141: August 31... um...
So, apparently I was so convinced that August 31 did not exist, I went ahead and didn't take any pictures. I'm shooting suspicious looks at my calendar as I write this.

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Day 142: September 1, Happy Birthday Cousin Ashley!

We celebrated Ashley's 18th birthday in Ocean Shores. Her mom made her a confetti-chip cake, and Kai looks very interested...

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Day 143: September 2, Missed It

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Day 144: September 3, Giddyup!

Kai's first horsey ride. With Daddy's help, of course. Hi ho Silver!

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Day 145: September 4, Being Sick is Exhausting

Mommy's little princess has a wee cold. Not really a big deal. Yet.

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Day 146: September 5, Missed It

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Day 147: September 6, Butterflies Are Yummie

Butterflies are not only tasty, but they're quite the distraction when you're sick...

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Day 148: September 7, She Really Likes Her Sophie

The only thing on her mind is sweet dreams as she holds Sophie the giraffe close. What's on my mind? Finally, a chance to turn off the flash and use natural lighting for a picture!

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Day 149: September 8, I'm Too Squirmy for Natural Lighting

The setting was perfect: nice lighting and still, quiet subjects. Until the camera comes out. I kept it on the no-flash setting, and the result is blurry. *sigh*

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Day 150: September 9, Game Day for Touchdown Baby!

No amount of Touchdown Baby hijinks could save the game. Is that unimpressed expression due to the game, Daddy's forcing the issue, or her cold?

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Day 151: September 10, Being Sick Really Is Exhausting

Her cold has become an ear infection. It's more punishing now, and it shows. Hopefully the antibiotics will help.

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Day 152: September 11, Missed It

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Day 153: September 12, First "Solids"

Kailea had her first "solid food": yogurt. She's been sick for over a week now with a cold, and we think the antibiotics are upsetting her stomach because there was much screaming yesterday when we tried to feed her, and then again when we gave up: she was obviously hungry and upset about it, but just as upset about us trying to feed her. When I called the doctor's office today, they suggested trying solids, specifically yogurt because the probiotics of it combats the yuck-tummy side effects of the antibiotics. I hate yogurt, so it was a huge coincidence that I actually had some on hand for some upcoming baking.

She really seemed to like the yogurt in the end. The experience was fun for us, watching her reactions, and also fun for her as she seems to enjoy anything new. She responded well to the spoon, wanting to grab it (but still not coordinated to help feed herself) and opening her mouth on most passes. Some of her expressions in the beginning were hilarious - she looked like someone eating something sour and tangy for the first time. Usually it's not quite so easy to gauge her expressions. There was a moment or two when I thought maybe she was going to throw it up, but that quickly passed and she was ready for more.

Much later that night, she did throw up. A really big one all over Daddy. There's no way to tell exactly what set her off, no way to rule out or blame the yogurt, but it's far more likely it was triggered by the bottle feeding Daddy had just given her. She has gotten blissfully better in the spit-up department over the past few weeks, going multiple days without. Unfortunately, when she does spit up, it's usually massive. Luckily for me, it's also usually right after her last feeding of the night so Eric gets to deal with it! It's tempting to just cut out that feeding, but she really needs the calories!

So now I'm guessing it's time to finally break out the research on solid foods. I was hoping to put that off for another few weeks. Life with baby is never what you expect!

(This was originally posted here: Milestone: Solid Foods + First Cold)

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Day 154: September 13, 5 Months

Kailea Christine Cairns
9/13/12
5 months old
head circumference: 23.5 cm.
body length: 23.5 in.
weight: about 13 lbs.

Kailea is 5 months old. To celebrate we danced and sang songs and read books and took pictures and had some more yogurt. She also continued to be sick and slightly more grumpy than usual. The day wasn't all roses, but it wasn't all bad either. As sick babies go, Kailea is remarkably easy going.

In five months, the most notable change is just how much bigger she has gotten. She practically fills her co-sleeper now, which used to be so big for her that we would have to bolster her up to ensure she didn't slide down into a ball at the bottom by morning (it has an incline at the head for her reflux problems). Another noticeable change is that the reflux seems to have finally, blessedly, cleared up. It's hard to say if it's 100% gone since she's had some spells since she got sick, but we are pretty sure that's just from the antibiotics-induced-nausea and coughing fits. Another nice turn of events is just how happy she is. She's always been a pretty mellow baby, except when she's not (on or off, there is no middle ground in her moods!). But now she's obviously happy, evidenced by her constant smiles whenever she makes eye contact with anyone. They say that stranger anxiety begins soon, and I am dreading that, because watching her interact so happily with everyone and everything has been such a joy

As far as activities, we've remained home bodies for the most part, with just the occasional trip to the grocery store. Hopefully this changes soon, now that she's getting over her cold and she's getting more tolerant of not having her every need met instantaneously. Watching her hunger cues has been vital in keeping the meltdowns to a minimum, but it never used to keep them from happening - she would go from normal to hungry to screaming for food in about 60 seconds flat. Now, finally, she typically displays her cues and acts hungry for 5-10 minutes before the screaming begins. Well, except while she's been sick - when there have been no hunger cues because she has been too nauseated to be hungry and we've had some very frustrating days trying to make her eat enough to keep from getting worse.

There were some special activities thrown in: we went to cousin JR's birthday party at the Everett Children's Museum and we spent a weekend in Ocean Shores. She enjoyed the party because she really enjoys noisy, active scenes. She slept through almost the entirety of our afternoon at the beach, but definitely enjoyed the trip as a whole because so many family members were there to cuddle and entertain her.

In the next month, we're going to start the next level of PEPS, do some serious research on starting solids, and have more tummy time in hopes that this inspires her to begin to crawl. There's been a lot of talking from her this weekend, so I'm also anxiously waiting to see what her first real word in English will be.

(This was originally posted here: 5 Months Old)

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Day 155: September 14, Missed It

"Want Gay Marriage-Don't shove it down my throat"

Last week was National Coming Out Day. Last week was the anniversary of the murder of Matthew Shepard. Last week a bullied teen in British Columbia committed suicide because she had no one to stand by her. Last week I read in a parenting magazine about how to teach my child to stand up for other kids who are being bullied. And my mother, she taught me to stand up for what I believe in, to speak up when things need to be said, to demand my rights and never let them be trampled on.

Last week, someone posted as a response to a pro-Gay Marriage post: "Want Gay Marriage-Don't shove it down my throat".

Have we really gained such little ground?

What will it take for the majority to realize that as long as we allow this culture of creating second class citizens to survive under law, it will continue to thrive in the hearts and minds of the populace? What will it take for people to realize that stupid comments propagate such a culture? What will it take for people to realize that such a culture promotes bullying? What will it take for people to realize that separate but equal is not equal?

Take a moment, people. Look across the room at someone you love. Ask yourself, would you still love them if they were gay? Ask yourself, what would you do if you discovered it was your child posting videos to Facebook about being bullied by her entire school? Ask yourself, what would you do if your spouse was dying and the hospital taking care of them refused to let you say goodbye? Ask yourself, what would you do if your best friend started dating outside of their race? What if your co-worker's church was vandalized and burned? What if your child cut themselves every day after coming home from school because they had no control over the daily ritual of facing people who constantly put them down for being a slut, a fag, a nerd, a fatty, a Muslim. What would it take for you to care enough to make a difference in their lives? How close would this person have to be to you? Does someone have to be in your immediate family for you to care? Is being your neighbor enough? A coworker? How about a friend of a friend? And how bad would their torture have to be before you had a change of heart and stood up for them? Would you wait until the few voices against them turned into a dozen, an entire classroom, an entire school? Would you wait until they cried themselves to sleep on a weekly basis, or until it was daily? Would you wait until the cutting started, or until the noose was tied?

Every inane comment you allow to slip by is another wound to a victim of bullying, another wound to our community, another wound to our culture, another wound to our democracy. You have every right to say whatever the hell you want to whomever they hell you want. I pity you, your family and loved ones, if those are the words you choose to spout. I pity your community. I pity our nation. We should be better than this. We should have come farther by now.

My mother stood up for others by confronting bad guys, by talking to her children about the differences between people and how differences are ok. The parenting magazine suggests commenting on positive behavior the child sees in daily life and media, and suggested having their kid invite the bullied kid over to play. I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure that not only will my child grow up to stand up for others, but that she will live in a society where she can love whomever she wants and never hide that out of fear. Love and beauty should never have to hide from fear and hate. Today I start by standing up to you and your ridiculous comments that are based on hate and not factual reality. In a few weeks, I continue by voting to ensure marriage in this state is defined by two people loving each other who want to enter into a civil contract, not defined by some religious text that has nothing to do with our government, and not defined by a group of people who only have hate and fear in their hearts.

The Art of Doing Too Much

Saying there is an "art" to something implies a certain sense of grace and beauty. There's certainly none of that in this tale. Maybe I should say I've got this thing down to a science.

I am quite envious of moms of infants who appear to have reclaimed some approximation of their previous life-before-baby. Moms who have gone back to work, moms who cook for their families, moms who manage shopping trips or other outings with their babies peaceful and alert in their carriers, moms who find the time to shower and put on clean clothes before leaving the house... I can't even leave the house to run errands because it always seems to be a recipe for disaster. Still, I tell myself this is something I have to learn to do. This is something the girl is going to have to learn to accept. Life goes on, and it doesn't all happen at home.

I thought I had learned my lesson: no multi-destination errand runs with the baby in tow. No exceptions. Ha!

Last Monday we went to our PEPS group and had a lovely time with all the other mommies and babies. The girl fell asleep in her carrier as I was pulling out of the parking lot, which was perfect because I was hoping to run exaclty ONE errand. But, of course, I decided to Press My Luck: I had lunch at McDonald's, scarfing down everything in the parking lot as quickly and quietly as possible. No Whammies - the girl stayed asleep, and so off we went to the baby consignment store. I parked, I got her out of the car and in her stroller, and we were crossing the parking lot when my luck began to ran out: dodging traffic, the girl woke up and my cell phone rang. Oddly, the girl did not immediately cry and scream as my husband made his case. Oddly enough, I didn't scream either. Husband was telling me that my car tabs were expired, and if I could go get my emissions test today, he would go pick up the new tabs on his way home from work. The emissions place is in Seattle. I was in Lynnwood. With a baby on a 2-hour feeding schedule that had last eaten about 1.5 hours ago.

And you know what I did? I walked into the consignment store. I really needed a high chair, dammit. Of course, they had ZERO high chairs. Seriously? How can a baby store NOT have a single high chair in stock? Later. There will be time to ponder this later. Let's head to the Emissions Testing place, shall we? It's just a straight shot down I-5 and then Aurora. It's not a crazy traffic time of day. Why not?

And you know what happened? Traffic cooperated. The baby cooperated. The Testing place cooperated. There was no line. Husband calls while I am waiting for the car in front of me to roll out of the testing station, to tell me not to bother, that the place has terrible hours and will close before I can get there. I tell him smugly not to worry, I'm already there. I hang up. I pull up for my turn, get out and talk to the fantastically serene baby as she sits in the back seat. Life is good. I am an ingenious mommy with an angel baby.

And you know what I did? I Pressed My Luck. Again. It's just a straight shot down Aurora to 85th, a quick jaunt to cross over I-5 and then I'm at Husband's office, handing him the Emissions Test Report. 5 minutes, tops, and Husband doesn't have to drive all the way home before getting the new tabs.

And you know what happened? There is traffic during a normal low-traffic time. Because the turn at 85th is closed for construction. So there is a detour to 80th. Where every other person in Seattle who needs to get from Aurora to I-5 is now travelling. Where 85th has 4 lanes and stoplights, this road has 2 lanes and stop signs. And a break-down in my lane. Queue the baby to start screaming. Queue the mommy to start crying. I am the worst mommy ever.

I somehow make it to Husband's office. Have I mentioned it is a 2nd story walk-up of an old house? I load baby and all her gear into the stroller, wheel her to the stairs, unload all the gear onto myself until I look like a pack mule, and mount the stairs. I walk inside, put everything down, catch my breath as one of Husband's co-workers walks in to gush over the baby. Something inside my brain goes click and I stop breathing.

"My husband's car isn't outside," I say as calmly as humanly possible. "He isn't here, is he?"

Nope. Husband is at lunch. In fact, he just called to say he will be extra late getting back.

Don't panic! Don't freak out! Call Husband. There's no way he has done what you think he's done. Calling Husband confirms: he is at home, waiting for me to arrive with the Emissions Test Report. I inform him I will not be arriving anytime soon because I have to change and feed the baby. Co-worker takes his queue from my tone of voice and leaves us alone. I change and feed the baby bawling my eyes out.

And you know what happened? Husband arrived as the girl is finishing her bottle and he apologizes. OK, not for anything he has done. Because it's not his fault. It's our fault, together, for sucking at communicating. But he apologizes that the day has gone to hell, and he hugs me. And slowly, not instantly but slowly, things get better.

After that, the rest of the week was a piece of cake. On Saturday Husband remarks that I've had such a good week, after many weeks of bad days. And he's right.

And you know what happened? On Sunday we pressed our luck together. After a full afternoon of a Fall photoshoot followed by a walk in the park followed by a visit to Auntie's, we took a trip out to Granite Falls. We saw the Falls and then stayed in town for dinner. Where the girl had her first diaper blow out at a restaurant.

And you know what I did? I calmly walked the baby to the car (because of course all the diapering stuff got left there), changed her in the trunk beside people pulling in and out of the liquor store I was parked in front of, and then changed my shirt right there in the middle of main street Granite Falls. I was wearing a hot pink bra. There were teenagers across the street.

And you know what happened? I remained calm. I didn't cry. I walked the baby back to the restaurant, handed her to her daddy, and finished my dinner. I am not the worst mommy ever. Not even by a longshot.

Days 132 - 140, 4th Week of August

Day 132: August 22, Missed It

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Day 133: August 23, Stop Eating Your Ouchie!

Mommy boo-booed and snipped a little too zealously at a fingernail. When I realized the band-aid I put on her finger kept finding its way into her mouth, I had to do something to keep her from loosening it enough to choke on. Attempted solution: sock. Result: failure. Luckily, by the time I realized the sock just wasn't going to stay on, I could remove the bandage because the bleeding had stopped.

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Day 134: August 24, She Got the Birdie!

For so long she's had to just watch those birdies go round and round above her head. Not any more!

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Day 135: August 25, Sneaking Time with Gramma

At cousin JR's birthday party at the Everett Children's Museum. While he wasn't looking, Gramma sneaked in some quality time with Kai.

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Day 136: August 26, Missed It

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Day 137: August 27, Missed It

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Day 138: August 28, 4 Month Check-Up

You'd never guess this happy little girl had her 4 month shots today!

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Day 139: August 29, Missed It

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Day 140: August 30, Is This Too Much?

While packing for our Labor Day trip, I pulled out this hat. It kind of matched what the girl was wearing, so we tried it out for a little photo shoot. Isn't she pretty?

Days 125 - 131, 3rd week of August

Day 125: August 15, Dawn

This summer waking with the girl for her first feeding, each morning we were greeted by a spectacular sunrise with the most intense colors. The light would illuminate Kailea's hair as an intense red-gold. It took some time and patience, but I finally got the light and the girl and the camera to all cooperate for a few amazing shots. This one is my favorite.

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Day 126: August 16, Sleep Scooting

We've started using the co-sleeper downstairs as a little bassinet for her to nap in. Doing chores around the house, I came back to peek in on the girl and found she had scooted herself 90° from her starting point. Hopefully this she doesn't turn into a sleep walker when she's older!

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Day 127: August 17, Missed It

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Day 128: August 18, Missed It

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Day 129: August 19, Why Aren't You Sleeping?

All swaddled and ready for bed, but no time for sleep - got to play with Mr. Lion!

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Day 130: August 20, Sunny Flower Girl with Drool

Look at that face! Look at those eyes! That smile! That drool!

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Day 131: August 21, Please Eat Baby

And here we have photographic proof of Keep the Bottle in the Baby's Mouth Game: she looks cute, but in those eyes are defiance. And those arms may look cuddly, but that's actually footage of a highly skilled maneuver being performed by Eric for purposes of holding both her hands out of the game, keeping the bottle in play, and holding her head as stationary as possible. We call it Baby Headlock, but it's really a Bodylock.

Days 118 - 124, 2nd week of August

Day 118: August 8, Standing Baby!

Kailea likes to use her Big Strong Legs to do the Standing Baby Song:
Jumpin', jumpin', jumpin.
Dancin', dancin', dancin'.
Jump, jump, jump.
Dance, dance, dance.
Standin' Baby! Yay!

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Day 119: August 9, Are you teething?

Fist shoved in mouth: check.
Copious amounts of drool: check.
Crying for no known reason: check.

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Day 120: August 10, Last Known Photo of Kai Drinking Willingly

The Keep The Bottle In The Baby's Mouth Game has become an every day occurence. She is actually a willing participant in this feeding though!

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Day 121: August 11, Not A Newborn Anymore!

Back on April 30 we had some professional photos done by Heather Puett. Here we are again in that same outfit. Look how much she's grown!

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Day 122: August 12, Birth Announcement Revisited

On April 23 I took the picture that we would use on one version of our birth announcements. Here she is again almost 4 months later and literally bursting through the seams of her Onesie!

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Day 123: August 13, 4 Months

A pretty dress and a cute toy for a pretty cute little girl on her 4 month birthday.

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Day 124: August 14, Overstimulation? Never!

You can tell I'm a good mom by all of the unnecessary toys I keep piling around her. *nods*

Trying Not To Raise a Princess in a Disney Household

You may have noticed a backlash against princess play in feminism, especially towards Disney. If you missed it, here are some links for a taste of the bitterness.

The Sunday Conversation: Peggy Orenstein, The author of 'Cinderella Ate My Daughter' tells parents to fear the Disney princess
Resist the princesses
Princess Play Vs. Princess Culture: There Is A Difference
Princess Toys Aren’t the Problem – The Lack of Alternatives Are

Well, maybe bitterness isn't exactly what's motivating the authors there, but it certainly helps fuel my battle against anything princess. I'm actually more pissed off about Disney's hand in the rise of the princess than in the concept itself. Because I'm a Disney fan. Until I met my husband-to-be's sister, I was the biggest Disney fan I knew.

This has been hard on my sister-in-law. I made it clear when I was pregnant that I wanted the pink items kept to a minimum. On multiple occasions I have made it clear I want Kailea to have nothing to do with the Disney Princess experience for as long as humanly possible (I know it's an inevitability). She just got back from a trip to Disneyland, and while she was gone I sent her an email that said I knew exactly what she was up to, scouring the stores for Princess gear for my little lass, and would she please refrain and pick something Minnie Mouse instead. She complied, and ribbed me when she came over to present some adorable gifts for the keiki. My mother-in-law was also a recipient of that message, but so far she has been completely silent on the issue - she did show up with a Minnie Mouse onesie for Kai. I understand their frustration with me and my issue, because let's face it, this is my issue. No one is more frustrated than I am.

Frustrated because it's such a difficult task. I love Disney. I own almost all the DVDs, and am fretting on when to let her watch the Princess ones. Frustrated because there is just so much princess gear out there that she would look adorable wearing.

So why, why put myself and my family through this?

The most obvious reason is that I completely resent Disney turning their individual princess characters into one giant Mob of Princess Marketing. Not only are they selling short their characters, but their selling short their merchandise as well: have you noticed how generic and cheap a lot of the art for the Princess line has become? Their smiles are as plastic and rigid as the stuff their tiaras and castles and playsets and furniture and accessories are made from. Part of the magic of Disney is the art, and I do not appreciate the art of the Princess line.

And shame on Disney for leading the charge that segregated our toy stores, with their aisles and aisles of pink merchandise on one side, dark blue and black of Transformers and Batman on the other. Lego dived right in, pumping out themed sets until a person could go bankrupt trying to buy their kid everything. When was the last time you saw a Lego kit that wasn't themed? When was the last time you saw Legos outside of the boy aisles? And then, the horror, they decided to merchandise girl Lego sets. Lego, which used to be your gold standard for non-gender-specific toys.

There are other reasons why I am anti-princess, like what horrific role-models most of them are for little girls: you are special above all others and if you wait long enough, your prince will come to triumph over all of your troubles for you. Disney and most of mainstream media have made leaps and bounds trying to come up with heroines and female characters that break this stereotype. Go Disney! *rolls eyes* They still incorporate every new female character into their Princess line. *glares*

Did I mention I hated the color pink for most of my life, up until just a few years ago? Because I couldn't stand that it was a girl cliché. I also hated being a girl for a few years in elementary school. I refused to wear dresses and skirts, or the color pink. To this day I'm still a jeans and a t-shirt kinda gal who shaves her legs once a month, wears make-up twice a year, and wears heels maybe once every two years. Maybe. All of this is related to one core principal that defines me: I am an individual, I will not be defined by other people's labels, I will not conform to other people's ideas of beauty or ideals or morals or religion or social norms. Nothing much infuriated me more as a young adult than someone looking at me and assuming I didn't swear, I had no sexuality, I had no bad side. I have always hated being pigeonholed, and I will not do that to my daughter.

What if my daughter is a tomboy? What if my daughter is gay? What if my daughter wants to shoot guns and wear Batman costumes around the house? I will not stifle the future possibilities of my daughter by defining her gender for her from birth. She can decide what it means to her to be a girl as she grows up and discovers what is important to her. If she wants princess parties, she'll get them. If she refuses to wear pants or the color black, I'll honor her wishes. Just like I'm not going to tell her she can't be an astronaut when she grows up. Just like I'm not going to define a religion for her. Just like I'm not going to spend her entire life talking about how I can't wait for her to have a huge wedding.

I can do my best to instill my morals and values in my daughter. I can even favor introducing personal joys to her in hopes she'll share them, like 80s music and chocolate and cats and books and writing and looking at the stars. But I will not define her tastes and preferences. I will not dictate what she will and won't like. And that starts by not telling her that girls are princesses that wear pink. It starts by telling her that girls are people who can wear whatever the hell they want and be anyone they want to be.

Doesn't mean I'm not going to dress her up in pink stuff while she's a baby so I can gush over how darned cute she is, or call her pretty every other minute, or hope that magically her life really does turn out like a fairy tale. Just not Disney Princess pink stuff, ok?

5 Months Old

On Thursday, September 13, Kailea was 5 months old. To celebrate we danced and sang songs and read books and took pictures and had some more yogurt. She also continued to be sick and slightly more grumpy than usual. The day wasn't all roses, but it wasn't all bad either. As sick babies go, Kailea is remarkably easy going.

In five months, the most notable change is just how much bigger she has gotten. She practically fills her co-sleeper now, which used to be so big for her that we would have to bolster her up to ensure she didn't slide down into a ball at the bottom by morning (it has an incline at the head for her reflux problems). Another noticeable change is that the reflux seems to have finally, blessedly, cleared up. It's hard to say if it's 100% gone since she's had some spells since she got sick, but we are pretty sure that's just from the antibiotics-induced-nausea and coughing fits. Another nice turn of events is just how happy she is. She's always been a pretty mellow baby, except when she's not (on or off, there is no middle ground in her moods!). But now she's obviously happy, evidenced by her constant smiles whenever she makes eye contact with anyone. They say that stranger anxiety begins soon, and I am dreading that, because watching her interact so happily with everyone and everything has been such a joy.

As far as activities, we've remained home bodies for the most part, with just the occasional trip to the grocery store. Hopefully this changes soon, now that she's getting over her cold and she's getting more tolerant of not having her every need met instantaneously. Watching her hunger cues has been vital in keeping the meltdowns to a minimum, but it never used to keep them from happening - she would go from normal to hungry to screaming for food in about 60 seconds flat. Now, finally, she typically displays her cues and acts hungry for 5-10 minutes before the screaming begins. Well, except while she's been sick - when there have been no hunger cues because she has been too nauseated to be hungry and we've had some very frustrating days trying to make her eat enough to keep from getting worse.

There were some special activities thrown in: we went to cousin JR's birthday party at the Everett Children's Museum and we spent a weekend in Ocean Shores. She enjoyed the party because she really enjoys noisy, active scenes. She slept though almost the entirety of our afternoon at the beach, but definitely enjoyed the trip as a whole because so many family members were there to cuddle and entertain her.

In the next month, we're going to start the next level of PEPS, do some serious research on starting solids, and have more tummy time in hopes that this inspires her to begin to crawl. There's been a lot of talking from her this weekend, so I'm also anxiously waiting to see what her first real word in English will be.

Kailea Christine Cairns
9/13/12
5 months old
head circumference: 23.5 cm.
body length: 23.5 in.
weight: about 13 lbs.

Milestone: Solid Foods + First Cold

Yesterday, September 12, Kailea had her first "solid food": yogurt. She's been sick for over a week now with a cold, and we think the antibiotics are upsetting her stomach because there was much screaming yesterday when we tried to feed her, and then again when we gave up: she was obviously hungry and upset about it, but just as upset about us trying to feed her. When I called the doctor's office, they suggested trying solids, specifically yogurt because the probiotics of it combats the yucky side effects of the antibiotics. I hate yogurt, so it was a huge coincidence that I actually had some on hand for some upcoming baking.

She really seemed to like the yogurt in the end. The experience was fun for us, watching her reactions, and also fun for her as she seems to enjoy anything new. She responded well to the spoon, wanting to grab it (but still not coordinated to help feed herself) and opening her mouth on most passes. Some of her expressions in the beginning were hilarious - she looked like someone eating something sour and tangy for the first time. Usually it's not quite so easy to gauge her expressions. There was a moment or two when I thought maybe she was going to throw it up, but that quickly passed and she was ready for more.

Much later that night, she did throw up. A really big one all over Daddy. There's no way to tell exactly what set her off, no way to rule out or blame the yogurt, but it's far more likely it was triggered by the bottle feeding Daddy had just given her. She has gotten blissfully better in the spit-up department over the past few weeks, going multiple days without. Unfortunately, when she does spit up, it's usually massive. Luckily for me, it's also usually right after her last feeding of the night so Eric gets to deal with it! It's tempting to just cut out that feeding, but she really needs the calories!

So now I'm guessing it's time to finally break out the research on solid foods. I was hoping to put that off for another few weeks. Life with baby is never what you expect!

P-A-D: Days 111 - 117, First Week of August

Day 111: August 1, Missed It

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Day 112: August 2, One Last Escape

Now that she's rolling over, we're saying goodbye to swaddling and giving a final salute to Houdini Baby (we can only hope).

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Day 113: August 3, I've Got a Secret

I see this picture and I know that in the next moment she falls forward right on her face, but all I see is a sneaky look of a girl trying to keep a secret.

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Day 114: August 4, Big Uncle, Little Girl

We went back to Port Orchard to spend a very warm day at the Wilson family BBQ. We spent time with Grandma and Aunt Chris, we met lots of Great Aunts and Great Uncles and new cousins, but the girl was especially photogenic when meeting her Uncle Tony for the first time.

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Day 115: August 5, Big Belly Baby

Our little girl fell asleep with just a pair of shorts to cover her diaper thanks to the heat, and for once she looks like she's not the tiniest creature ever. Kind of.

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Day 116: August 6, Strike a Pose

We went to a pool party today for our last PEPS meeting and had a blast. I was unsure about going in with her, but in the end I'm so glad we went into the pool together because she loved it. She was very relaxed and almost fell asleep. Here's a picture pre-pool, where I can practically hear her inner-diva calling out that she's ready for her close-up.

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Day 117: August 7, Just Chillin' with Daddy

A quick shot of the girl and her Daddy before bed.

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