48 days to go

With 48 days to go, I swing back into the "I'm not surprised by anything" mind-set.

Day three of my cold, and it's worse. So much worse, that my nose and lips are swollen and chapped from all of the sneezing, blowing, wiping, and open-mouth breathing. I have never understood the cold cycle that includes days of feeling better followed by a worse down-turn. Yesterday I was able to get myself showered and out of the house to run to the pharmacy and grocery store. I wanted to hit one more shop, but told myself why push it? tomorrow I'll be all better! That did not happen. Nope, I woke up swollen and stumbling and incapable of properly reading a calendar of all things. I misread the reminders left in TWO places for an appointment, forced myself to throw on some clothes, and was on my way to the door when Eric pointed out that the message on our answering machine said the appointment was for tomorrow. Instantly, my mind re-deciphered my interpretation of the calendar reminders, confirming he was right without any need to listen to the phone message. That's a new one! Then again, yesterday I swear I got high off of a regular dose of Tylenol, so... like I said, nothing is really surprising me too much right now.

Getting yet another cold during the pregnancy reminded me of the six months I spent working and/or volunteering at a day care center about ten years ago. I was taking classes at the community college in hopes of becoming a preschool teacher. The idea just felt so right at the time. Until I got sick, and then stayed sick the entire rest of my time there. I actually abandoned the whole thing because of my health. I was told that it was common to get sick a lot in the first year, but six months straight of cold after cold was my limit.

So now what am I doing? Having my own child, so I can live with my very own germ-factory 24/7. Yet another sign that I am a crazy person. The show House M.D. could easily devote an entire season to my health history and still not diagnose/cure me 100%, and yet I chose to get pregnant. Pregnancy and motherhood are incredibly taxing on the human body. What was I thinking?!

At least I don't have to go through the trouble of getting a Whooping Cough vaccination. We're having a mini-epidemic in the area, with story after story on the news begging people to get vaccinated. The latest one last week claimed that 90% of adults aren't vaccinated. Considering this is something currently being bundled with Tetanus boosters, I can't quite wrap my head around that. But it did get me on the phone to ask about my last Tetanus shot and get confirmation that not only did I get the proper bundle, but I wouldn't be due for another booster for another year. Whew.

49 Days: What's on my mind

49 days to go. Holy crap! Yes, somehow curbing my swearing is on my To-Do List. In fact, in the next seven weeks (seven?!?!), I hope to:

• stop swearing
• baby-proof the house
• cat-proof the nursery
• clean out nursery of painting paraphernalia
• set-up nursery (baby furniture assembly, clothing & toys & book organization, decorating, etc)
• finish organizing, cleaning upstairs office, bathroom, bedroom
• celebrate anniversary
• shop for/make presents
• hit every Seattle used book store for out-of-print Stephen Cosgrove's Serendipity series
• pick pediatrician
• attend birthing classes
• attend baby shower
• attend Heidi's birthday party
• pack hospital bag
• agree on Kailea's middle name
• recover from cold
• stop getting sick
• stop cheating on diabetic diet
• gain more weight
• remember to eat veggies
• remember to take vitamins
• make decisions on medications
• episiotomy avoidance training
• cats to vet
• start clipping cats' claws regularly
• kick cats out of bedroom at night, leading up to permanent 24/7 ban
• deal with whiney cats
• finish downstairs "cat haven"
• stop contemplating chopping off my hair
• enjoy regular showers
• stop paying so much attention to politics
• stop having such high expectations of blog and just WRITE
• CALL MY MOTHER
• stop singing the "I'm having an alien baby" song, no matter how freaky it is when she re-enacts scenes from the Alien movies
• somehow eliminate the wound-care scene of the movie "50/50" from my memory
• remember the 500 other things I have to do before baby arrives that I can't seem to recall right now

Stuff on my mind that I can't stop thinking about, but will probably never find the time to actually write about:

Rick Santorum is stupid.
Rick Santorum Pledges To Defund Contraception: ‘It’s Not Okay, It’s A License To Do Things’
Santorum: no apology needed for Quran burning
Santorum: Separation Of Church And State 'Makes Me Want To Throw Up'
Santorum's stone-age view of women

Rick Santorum is dangerous.
Santorum's policies would have killed my daughter

Rick Santorum is offensive to non-Christians, believing that theology not based on the Bible is phony.
Santorum: Obama's worldview upside-down

Non-Christian values and religious views that include environmentalism and helping each other are not phony, nor are they non-Christian.
Kwanzaa (see: Collective Work and Responsibility, Cooperative Economics)
(Christian) Stewardship

Marriage Equality was declared a right by the Supreme Court back in the 60s.
Constitution Day: Marriage Equality Is A Right The Constitution Demands

The Defense of Marriage Act ignores the Constitution's Full Faith and Credit Clause.
Defense of Marriage Act
Full Faith and Credit Clause

Correlation and Causation are not the same fucking thing.
or
Gestational Diabetes is has nothing to do with being fat, and implying it does is offensive, cruel, and dangerous.
Exaggerating the Risks Again
Gestational Diabetes, Weight Loss, & More!
I Am Sure You Have Gestational Diabetes Because You Are Overweight
You Did NOT Eat Your Way to Diabetes!

Hallelujah I have not yet run into any offensive breast-feeding nazis, pregnancy worshippers, parenting saints, or tummy-rubbing personal-space invaders!
Don't Carpe Diem

My mother-in-law is awesome.

Gay Marriage

Gay marriage is in the spotlight here in Washington state, thanks to a surprise move from our Governor, followed by an historic vote in Olympia. I'm still kind of blinking the sleep from my eyes, wondering how this has all moved along so quickly. Gay marriage being a subject I'm personally very passionate about, I wanted to organize my thoughts a little, because they're kind of scattered right now.

Someone close to me recently pronounced that gay marriage was a "right". Me being the flaming liberal that I am, I cheered, but also... I wondered if it was worth pointing out that I disagree.

Am I crazy??? No. Americans have "certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Some people like to ignore that word "among", creating a very literal translation of what "rights" an American citizen enjoys. Usually, I'm not one of those people. Mostly, because I think a whole bunch of things fall under the definitions of "Life" - stuff like food and clothing and shelter and health care.

But where would you put "marriage" into that trifecta? Under the pursuit of "happiness"? Really? Have you seen our divorce rate?

That's my problem with gay marriage in a nutshell: I think marriage itself is kind of... how to say this gently... Um, a con? Rip-off? How about just plain unnecessary? Yes, unnecessary is the best description I think. It's necessary to nothing, let alone to Life, Liberty, and Happiness. So how can it be a right?

In the strictest terms, it's not. It's an agreement, a contract, a religious rite/observance, a piece of paper, a piece of insurance for your own peace of mind. It's a lot of things, but a right? Not really.

So... why all the fuss?

Because someone decided to make it a right the moment our government said "you guys can do it, but you guys can't." They made it an extra bonus, a privilege, an honor bestowed on a class of people but denied to another class. WHAM! Our government created a second class of citizens that were not allowed to do something that people in the first class could. And not only that, but once those people were married, they were given benefits that could not be achieved in any other way. Now there are two classes where not only does one get to do something the other can't, but then they are rewarded and favored for going through with it.

Someone speaking before the legislature today expounded how this is very much not about civil rights. Hello?! Could this be any more about civil rights? Our government has created a second class of citizens for the sole purpose of denying something to them. That sounds pretty much exactly like a civil rights issue to me.

Marriage is silly. It's frivolous. But in America, there are financial and civil considerations involved. People get married for the "wrong" reasons all the time. There is a small minority who would actually like to get married for the only right one: love. It's time to keep your religion in your churches, your laws out of my love life, and let us all enjoy a little equality for a change. That's what America's supposed to be founded on, right?

Third Trimester Update

We are now two weeks into the Third Trimester, and things are different, but the same. It's both easier and harder. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Our keiki is doing very well, still growing. She has moved up to 18th percentile in size. Bigger, but definitely not where I want her to be. My uterus is in perfectly normal size range though, and we accidentally initiated a non-stress test the last time the OB checked her heartbeat. That's when the baby moves, and you check that the baby's heart rate increased - it should go up about 10BPM for about 10 seconds. Well, I had a weird muscle twitch in my back, which she responded to quite strongly, and instantly her heart rate went up just as the laws of good pregnancy predicted. Yay! It was a fun moment, listening to her ramp up right after a good, strong movement from her.

She still lots of inactive times, but her active times are more frequent. Maybe she is active when I'm asleep, but not enough to wake me up? She most certainly was active during the ultra sound - I have a theory that she just does not like those, because she always moves around the entire time I've had every single one. In the beginning, I had no idea that ultra sounds could be so tedious - I've now had three of these growth monitoring sessions where they go over her anatomy and take a bazillion measurements. These have all lasted well over an hour. Ugh. But when they switch gears and show me profile views of her, it is always entertaining. This time around, she was laying on her back, with her legs stretched out over her, so her feet dangled over her head. I got to actually watch her do her "stretch" against my belly, and at least that day, it was actually her legs, not her back, that was pressing outwards. It's truly fascinating.

Oh, and she's definitely a girl! Whew! I was just not satisfied with their demonstration from last time, which went something like "See this, there's nothing there, so it's a girl." This time, it was "See this? That's her vagina. She's a girl!"

In the "good things that don't feel so good" category, it seems as if I can feel her growing. I feel fatter and more ungainly every day. My belly is most definitely bigger. I am not consistently gaining weight yet though. I noticed that I've lost enough weight that my too-tight winter boots are no longer too tight, but gained enough girth that my maternity jeans almost stay up by themselves. Almost isn't cutting it though, so I finally bought a pair of men's suspenders. I love them! They would look cute in public if I wasn't using them on jeans that I can't zip or button, but alas they must be covered as I hide the big gaping space so strangers don't stare at my underwear. I have not yet tried them on the maternity pants - I just don't think I could secure them well enough. Oh well. At the rate I'm going, I should be able to wear those pants just fine within a few weeks.

So now on to the category of "new things that suck to add to the old". I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I alternately want to scream, cry, babble about, or remain silent about this development. I think for now, I will just say that this was an added complication that I really didn't need. It just compounds every other thing I'm going through, bringing me to tears at least once a day. It's only the first week though, so we'll see how things are in a few days.

Also, despite the warmth and understanding and knowledgability of my diabetes testing nurse, I did not leave my teaching appointment "empowered". I left terrified, and with the conviction the next time I hear "it's for the baby", "it's not forever", or "it will all be worth it when the baby comes", the speaker better be standing well clear from me. Say, 20 feet or so? And it would probably be wise for them to consider wearing good running shoes as well. Perhaps some body padding and/or an umpire's mask?

Is that you baby?

I'm having my first Third Trimester ultrasound later today, and I'm hoping it will settle my nerves a little. The baby was in the 12th percentile range for growth at the last ultrasound. Between my weight loss, my inability to eat regularly, and my medications, there's a lot working against this little keiki right now. At my last OB appointment (I go to a separate facility for the important ultrasounds), the doctor said my uterus measurements had caught up, so the baby was probably growing just fine now. He still wanted this follow-up scan done before he sees me next though.

One of my secret worries is that the baby doesn't move enough, and is that a bad sign? Whenever I wonder this, I immediately remind myself how difficult it's been for me to even tell when the baby is kicking, and just to shut up and relax.

Because there is a whole bunch of activity inside me that I don't know how to categorize properly any more. It was frustrating enough when I stopped being able to differentiate between hunger and nausea and fullness and heartburn. Now there are pains, jerks, spasms, stretching. I frequently get these episodes that feel like repetitive muscle spasms low in my intestines. Can that be the baby? Really? All the way down there? Or is it gas?

Everyone's heard of the age-old pregnancy complaint of the baby sitting, or occasionally dancing/jumping, on mommy's bladder - hence the frequent urination. Well, not once has anyone ever described that as a painful sensation. Yet during an outing in December, it felt like the baby was spending hours on end standing straight up and down, feet on my bladder, arms out for bracing, and then using all her might to push down. It felt like she was slowly but surely trying to "pop" my bladder, and it was definitely a painful sensation.

Similarly, but without the pain, are her "stretches". These feel like she's waking up from her fetal position, and slowly trying to sit up straight, pushing her back against the wall of my uterus. It's uncomfortable, but not painful. Although once or twice I became slightly alarmed at just how far she was pushing and would my uterus continue to stretch like that.

Yes, there have been kicks/punches. Definite jabs caused by baby. Whew! Such a relief to have a clear sign! Two friends recently mentioned the baby "rolling". Now what on earth is that going to feel like?!

Then there is what happened this morning. It felt like I had a six-limbed, uber-strong, super excited baby in there throwing a crazy temper tantrum. Seriously keiki, how can you possibly kick me there and there and there all at the same time??? And couldn't she tell that mommy was really nauseated before she even started?

I have to say, I am not happy with her tendency to stomp on my bladder and kick at my belly while I'm trying desperately to keep from vomiting up that day's hard-won nutrients.

Still, whatever it happens to be at the time, whenever there is any movement down there, I am very happy to know that it means she's in there and doing ok.

Where is the meaning to my life?

I turn 39 this Saturday. Almost 40, pregnant with my first child, and a New Year has begun - I'm feeling introspective.

More and more, I look around me and I am disappointed with my life. Well, disappointed in myself and what little I have created. Where is the meaning to my life? What is the impact of my being here? What have I done that I can be proud of?

For almost as long as I can remember, my goal has been to make a difference with my life. The bigger, the better, sure. But small ways are important to. Most of all, to do something lasting. To do things or even just one thing that makes a real difference in the world, something that goes on and outlives me somehow. Something that continues to make ripples in the world, long after my initial involvement.

I know I have have made a difference in the past. But was it enough? Have I touched enough lives, made enough of a difference? I long ago stopped resting on my laurels, and now only rest on my ass. My life is filled with myself. If the opportunity to make change or help someone presents itself, I usually jump at the chance to at least try. But it's been so long since I've sought out to "be the change in the world you want to see." I don't believe there's some cosmic score card, no great book of deeds at the Pearly Gates. And yet... I feel a gaping hole in the plus column of my life. I am sad that there are so many in the negative column, more than I ever thought to see, but it's the absence of more good that troubles me more.

I believe I am still a good person. It's always been so very important to me to be a good person. So yes, there is dismay when I trip up badly. But it's so much more important to me to create good. To help people, lessen burdens, ease suffering, inspire kindness, share knowledge, open eyes and minds and hearts.

And so right now, my greatest shame is not my past mistakes. It is my failure to act. It is my laziness. My complacency. My ass on the damned couch day after day.

I want it to change. I want to change. Now. Today. Why is it so difficult?

The bitch is back...

This is officially The Worst Pregnancy Ever. Or, as I explained to my sister, I've heard of people with worse pregnancies, but I've never met them! OK, fine, I know one person who had placenta previa, ok? Are you happy? Stop ruining my bitch-fest! I only have so much time until my next puking session...

Nausea and vomiting have become more frequent again. The roughly 4 pounds I had fought so hard to gain back was somehow lost over the course of last weekend - when I actually ate the most in 48 hours that I can remember for months. This week I have hovered between 189.0 and 192.6. Yes, I just admitted my weight, but to demonstrate a point: the lowest weight I have been in the past 10 years is 191 pounds. This has gotten ridiculous.

I am tired of waking up at odd hours feeling both hungry and nauseated, as I did this morning. I am tired of my sniffles triggering coughing which engages my trigger-happy gag reflex into vomiting. I am tired of feeling starving, wracking my brain for 15 minutes, only to still not think of anything I can stomach and/or become more nauseated. I am tired of wishing I could vomit like they do in the movies, instead of convulsing so hard that I can't breathe, I pee myself, I tear up, and my face gets red spots that last for at least 24-48 hours. I am tired of being pale and blotchy, with purpley-pink bags under my puffy eyes, and what looks like the tail-end of chicken pox on my cheeks and around my eyes. I'm tired of pizza and Captain Crunch. I am tired of spending the rest of the day after vomiting wondering if I'm going to again because my stomach continues to cramp off and on. I'm tired of constantly reminding myself that the word vomiting only has one "t" in it. I'm tired of not being able to wear my labradorite ring that I have worn almost every day since Eric bought it for me over a year ago. I'm tired of freaking out that I'm going to lose my wedding rings down the sink when I wash my hands. I'm tired of being tired, and I'm tired of sleeping to avoid nausea and depression and movement.

On the plus side, I have discovered that the water from the tap in the bathroom tastes like ambrosia after I puke. Mind you, it has always provided the best tasting water in the house, but this tastes like there is real sugar in it. But without tasting like nasty sugar water.

For the most part, I am doing pretty well, considering. It's only after a long stretch in front of the porcelain god that I get really upset. Then I feel weak and desperate and lonely and at my wit's end. After an hour or two, I feel a bit better, just exhausted. That is how I spend most of my time, feeling so exhausted that I don't do or feel much at all - I'm just waiting to see what and when the next punch will be. I am constantly living in the present. I can't really remember who I was or what was important to me before the pregnancy, and I can't really imagine (or believe in) a future after the pregnancy.

I told my therapist I am convinced I will be the first woman to continue to having morning sickness after the pregnancy is finished. I can't imagine life without it.

A baby is "the ultimate parasite", or so I've been told, capable of stripping the calcium straight from your bones, along with any other nutrients your body isn't supplying readily enough. It's like a little vampire, sucking you up physically and mentally. Bella's pregnancy experience as described in the book Breaking Dawn sounds awfully familiar. The movie version, however, reminded me that there are such things as having it worse. Is it too much to hope that after I give birth I will be auto-magically CGI'd into a perfect, most beautiful version of myself? Right, that would require vampire venom. *sigh*.

Oh, and then there are the dreams. Sleep being my only escape right now, I am very much pissed off about the dreams. My closest friends will know that I have always had troubling dreams - dreams so realistic and involved and emotional that they affect my Real Life for hours or days after, or sometimes the rest of my life. I thought I had experienced all the terror and fear and heartache and loneliness and abandonment and emotional upheaval possible - the worst ones repeat. Often. But no, there are new ones. And old ones made worse. And more frequent. More often than not, I wake up convinced I should write it all down so that I can turn it into a story. The one time I did that, I just remembered more and more bizarre things that made no sense, until I lost all track of how I could possibly turn it into anything that would be comprehensible to anyone but me.

And so here I am, hungry again. This is how things started 3 hours ago - I woke up hungry enough to feel nauseated, ate something, and then vomited it all up shortly afterward. So now I need to decide all over again if it's worth it to try and eat. Will it settle my stomach finally? Or just make me lose it again? And in the mean time, can I please stop replaying that dream in my head? Please?