Where is the meaning to my life?

I turn 39 this Saturday. Almost 40, pregnant with my first child, and a New Year has begun - I'm feeling introspective.

More and more, I look around me and I am disappointed with my life. Well, disappointed in myself and what little I have created. Where is the meaning to my life? What is the impact of my being here? What have I done that I can be proud of?

For almost as long as I can remember, my goal has been to make a difference with my life. The bigger, the better, sure. But small ways are important to. Most of all, to do something lasting. To do things or even just one thing that makes a real difference in the world, something that goes on and outlives me somehow. Something that continues to make ripples in the world, long after my initial involvement.

I know I have have made a difference in the past. But was it enough? Have I touched enough lives, made enough of a difference? I long ago stopped resting on my laurels, and now only rest on my ass. My life is filled with myself. If the opportunity to make change or help someone presents itself, I usually jump at the chance to at least try. But it's been so long since I've sought out to "be the change in the world you want to see." I don't believe there's some cosmic score card, no great book of deeds at the Pearly Gates. And yet... I feel a gaping hole in the plus column of my life. I am sad that there are so many in the negative column, more than I ever thought to see, but it's the absence of more good that troubles me more.

I believe I am still a good person. It's always been so very important to me to be a good person. So yes, there is dismay when I trip up badly. But it's so much more important to me to create good. To help people, lessen burdens, ease suffering, inspire kindness, share knowledge, open eyes and minds and hearts.

And so right now, my greatest shame is not my past mistakes. It is my failure to act. It is my laziness. My complacency. My ass on the damned couch day after day.

I want it to change. I want to change. Now. Today. Why is it so difficult?