I am a logophile: I love words. I love the way they sound, the way they look, the way they feel as they escape my mouth. I love their power, their mystery, their histories and depths. There are some words that I personally find ugly, but only because of the way they sound or the way they look (I have a distinct un-fondness for the letters "g" and "u"), and I don't know of a single word that I would ever label as "bad". How can a few letters grouped together possibly get up to any mischief?
I was raised in a home with the typical American dichotomy of attitudes towards "bad words": my siblings and I were forbidden to swear, but our parents weren't. So, like most American teenagers, learning to swear was part of my high school rebellion. It was an interesting journey, filled with painfully public mispronunciations (penis is not spelled the way it sounds!), over-usage, slip-ups in front of adults, and mixed feelings about my own morality.
But as the years progressed, the more reading I did, the more critical thinking I experienced, and the more views of morality I was introduced to, my hesitation and quiet rebellion changed into something much more empowering. I began to claim words for myself, their meanings, their spellings, their usage in my daily life. I discovered that yes, words have power, but that we are the ones who give them that power. I embraced the movement to redefine the word "queer", I was utterly dumbfounded and forever changed when I learned that the word "cunt" was in many ancient languages synonymous with "priestess", I began to spell my first name in lower-case, and "fuck" became my favorite word out of the absolute rejection of society's need to ban it.
So here I am, all these years later, and I'm considering the possibility of life without enjoying my favorite words. I am really, really frustrated by just the scope of the task. I'm also feeling quite morose about giving up something that I feel goes to the core of my personality. How do I move forward? The usual way: I've gone online and done way, way too much research on the topic.
There are multiple schools-of-thought on the subject of parents swearing in front of their children, which is both reassuring (some people empathize with me!) and unhelpful (what, there's no definitive answer to a parenting dilemma?!). On the reassuring side, I'm glad to see that there are people out there who can still think critically about societal norms and how to approach them when raising their kids. Here are some of my favorites:
From Lies We Tell Kids by Paul Graham
Most parents use words when talking to other adults that they wouldn't want their kids using. They try to hide even the existence of these words for as long as they can. And this is another of those conspiracies everyone participates in: everyone knows you're not supposed to swear in front of kids.
I've never heard more different explanations for anything parents tell kids than why they shouldn't swear. Every parent I know forbids their children to swear, and yet no two of them have the same justification. It's clear most start with not wanting kids to swear, then make up the reason afterward.
So my theory about what's going on is that the function of swearwords is to mark the speaker as an adult. There's no difference in the meaning of "shit" and "poopoo." So why should one be ok for kids to say and one forbidden? The only explanation is: by definition. [3]
Why does it bother adults so much when kids do things reserved for adults? The idea of a foul-mouthed, cynical 10 year old leaning against a lamppost with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth is very disconcerting. But why?
From Parental Advisory: I Swear How do I get my kid to stop cursing when I can't? by Rebecca Odes & Ceridwen Morris
One of us has a mother with a mouth like a trucker. She stuck by her controversial vocabulary while raising kids, perhaps for similar reasons — it felt like part of who she was — or perhaps because she couldn't have stopped it if she'd tried. Her loose lips may have contributed to some cross-generational camaraderie, but there was also a fair amount of humiliation involved in having a mom with a dirty mouth. Now, having a foul-mouthed Grandma around has actually forced the family to think creatively about how to frame the curse education curriculum, which brings us to an important point: There are ways to discourage cursing without making it "bad" or wrong.
It turns out that kids can learn that some words are for grown-ups, and are only acceptable in some contexts (i.e., coming out of Grandma's mouth). To continue the above example, the grandchild in question is now more likely to scold his parents on their verbal indiscretions than to make one of his own. He did go through a brief phase of experimentation, but it faded fast. Of course, all kids are different, so it's hard to know how yours might respond. And there is a difference between a grandmother cursing and a mother.
From danoah unleashed: Should we really call them “bad words” to our kids? by Dan Pearce
So if most of the grown-ups use “bad words,” what does that teach my kid? As he himself grows up, he’s going to hear a lot of the people he loves use a lot of the words that he has been told his entire life are bad.
....
I am amazed at how often he hears a word and tells me “Dad, that’s a bad word.” He’s even said it about words like “bum,” “sick,” and “heck.” Where he is hearing that they are “bad” is beyond me, but I’ll tell you this much. He is always relieved when I tell him that those words and some of the actual “bad words” aren’t really bad, they’re just grown-up words that some people don’t like.
Maybe I’m going about it the wrong way, but I don’t think my kid likes thinking that the people he loves are “bad” people.
From There are worse things than swearing in front of your children by Linda Aitchison
I guess, in the scheme of things, I can't believe it matters all that much. I want my daughters to enjoy language, to experiment with it; express themselves well and think about the impact of what they are saying.
I don't think swearing is necessarily lazy or disrespectful, but can be an effective way of letting off steam. It can also help you think very much about what you are saying and why. Determining if a swear word is needed and when may just teach us a thing or two about language.
So long as my children's swearing isn't meant to demean or insult anyone else, it's going to have to be okay by me. Especially as I'm the one who needs to wash her mouth out with soap.
From How To Stop Cursing In Front of Your Kids by n00b dad
Honestly, while you’d love to be the shining example to your kid, it’s completely out of your control. You could go your entire life without saying a negative thing in front of your child and they will still pick up cursing from another source. All you can do is control your own mouth (and temper) teach them that cursing isn’t the best idea and hope they don’t say something inappropriate in a large crowd.
Then there is the unhelpful side, and I mean very unhelpful. These are the people who find swearing as evidence of modern society's moral decay (somehow ignoring the fact that every language, ever, has incorporated swearing since time immemorial):
From Zero Tolerance for Disrespectful, Cussing Kids by Lin
I shake my head in disbelief and complete disappointment in parents these days, who are shirking their responsibility to be tough but loving, teaching and training their children in matters of respect towards parents and other authority figures.
And/or those who label swearing as uneducated, unimaginative and lazy (forgetting all the charm and wit of poets like Chaucer and Shakespeare and Wilde and Twain):
From Swearing in front of your kids - a comment made by "Sherri" on 9/17/10
It is not that you ARE uneducated it is that you come across as uneducated and quite honestly lower class. I guess the best thing I can think of is this to describe it.......You see the rich, well mannered, well educated ladies and gentlemen never do you hear them cussing like truck drivers as they are sitting in there fancy clothes for afternoon tea, or playing golf or the CEO's of NASDAQ sitting there swearing there heads off Then you have the poor, less educated people hanging out with heir homies and bros in the projects and I don't think one word if you can even decipher the English isn't a swear word. So when you swear/cuss in front of your kids and all the time you come across as less educated and much lower class. How you conduct yourselves and hold yourselves is how you are perceived.
And/or those who would prefer that children live in a delusional world of naive innocence where nothing bad ever happens and no one ever makes mistakes:
Comments from Cursing in Front of the Kids – Moms Speak Out!
“I don’t curse in front of anyone, and especially not my kids. I was raised in a house where ‘crap’ was a swear word, and I admit for a long time the ‘s word’ in our house was stupid. I hate swearing. It makes me feel all dark inside.” –Lolli
“I do not curse in front of my kids. I try to be as wholesome as I can." –Elizabeth
So now that I've waded through all of this soul searching, these opinions, these new ways of thinking... what am I supposed to actually do? Let me tell you, finding some guidelines that are informative and interesting and without opinion on this subject is tough. Frustratingly so. Some examples:
How to Stop Swearing in Front of Your Kids by Michelle Johnson comes with 5 simple steps: examine yourself, make a commitment, replace swear words, train yourself, share your commitment. Sounds good - I especially like #1, since I think it's important to know yourself before you go trying to teach your kids. My main problem with this entry is how it starts: with a photo of a couple shouting at each other (implying that swearing is only ever done in anger with connotations of violence), and an introduction about how "unintelligent" and "lacking in emotional control" you are when you swear. Is it really that hard to write a good, informative piece without stooping to opinion and judgement?
Apparently, yes, it is! The even better guidelines I found here, “F--- You, Mom!” How to Stop Your Child from Cursing in Your Home by James Lehman, MSW. FYI, you have to "register" by giving an email address in order to read the entire article. This is some great stuff, about halting your kid from turning an argument around on you, about the difference between swearing and verbal abuse, about not making a huge deal in the heat of the moment but establishing rules from the outset. Here is a quote of my favorite part, about having structure in your kid's life so that consequences can easily be worked in later - tricky!
It’s also very effective to have an age-appropriate schedule and structure at night that lists how much time your kids can spend on video games, the computer, and watching TV. Say for example your child has an hour free time to play video games, but the way he gets that hour is by doing his homework first. If he curses, that extra chore you give him is done during that hour, and he loses part or all of his free time. That system should be in place, so later on when your child calms down and wants to deal with the issue because she wants her cell phone back, you can say, “You know the consequences for cursing and name-calling.” And they should get a different checkmark or extra chore for every time they curse.
This is by far the best thing out there that I've found on the subject. Until the last sentence: "It’s important to realize that children who know how to act respectfully and speak respectfully are better equipped to deal with the adult world than those who prefer to sound like thugs." Really? After all that great thought and informative, rational, method-based advice, you close by resorting to a judgmental word like "thugs"??? *sigh*
In the end, here is my favorite entry that I found online about the subject. It's no-nonsense and simple.
From How do my wife and I stop our son from learning to swear from us? - a comment from "tomjedrz" on 9/25/11
The answer from the collective "Captain Obvious" ... Don't cuss in front of the kid ... is certainly correct. I don't expect it is very helpful to the OP, either. I am sure it occurred to him already, and I expect he asked here because he and his wife are struggling with it.
So the real question, as far as I am concerned, is ...
How do parents prevent kids from doing things that they themselves do?
This is actually a legit question, and actually comes up again and again as kids grow into adults. Topics include staying up late, chores, homework, drinking, sex, makeup, driving over the speed limit, etc.
The real answer is to lay down the rules and enforce them. This idea that we have to behave consistently with the rules we apply to the kid is silly. When the kid cusses, make clear that the kid is not allowed to cuss and apply consequences. When the kid protests that Daddy cusses, tell him that he is not Daddy, and when he grows up he can cuss all he wants.
OK, research done. Now what? Honestly? I don't know. Eric and I are going to have to have a long, long talk about this. He feels more strongly about the end results than I do, while I feel more strongly about the reasoning. We both agree that our daughter needs to know that there is such a thing as "inappropriate language". But agreeing on exactly what that means, agreeing on context, agreeing on teaching this? Now that's another story.
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