Update Hijacked by Optimistic Pessimism

Another month of miserable has slowly marched by. From time to time, I have thought about updating, and even thought I had something to say once or twice, but alas... pregnancy sucks. I know one of the things that has been on my mind was the title of this new blog, and had I yet explained my choice? Or validated it properly? If I'm going to call these the Pessimist Mommy Diaries, shouldn't I constantly be talking about pessimism? I don't have the energy to go back and read the earlier entries to answer these questions, so I'll just say this: I've recently been taken aback by how much more pessimistic and negative I have become, and so have begun examining this with the goal to change myself into more of the kind of person I would like to be. In light of the pregnancy, this task has become even more important. I'm always going to be a pessimist, there's no doubt there! But I think it's important, as an expectant mother, to rediscover my whimsy and hope and optimism and calm and confidence and happiness and just... some measure of lightness in my mind and on my shoulders.

So perhaps I should call this blog something like "Optimist-in-Training Mommy"? Well, that would be like tying on an apron and calling myself Martha Stewart. It's bullshit, and it's not gonna happen! Plus, there is just no misplacing my snark. Happy or unhappy, I amuse myself with my snarkiness, and hope to amuse others in the process. If I amuse others, awesome; if I miraculously awaken a sense of kindred spirit between us, brilliant; if I make you uneasy or upset, fuck you!

FYI, Pessimist Mommy swears. It is an ingrained part of my character, so it's not going anywhere. Woe is me if I don't learn to curb it around the keiki - hubby might finally take to beating me. //disgruntled muttering//

I do have a few plans for the blog, in hope of keeping the snark and the humor and the parenthoodness all at the forefront so that I remain relevant. A few months ago I had the idea that I should be capturing these little moments in my life that are so amusing to me for all their negativity. I was going to create a side-blog, and call it "Laughing in Disbelief". Instead, I think I'm just going to make that a blog category, and work on capturing those moments in a timely fashion for once, documenting them here for the sake of posterity and insanity. It seems every day I have these moments of shaking my head in wonder at the universe's ability to drop anvils on my head, and yet, I can never remember them properly later when I want to share them with others. I think trying to commit them to paper, or blog, should be an interesting task.

I also want the blog to be about truth. More than anything, I want this to be a place to reveal things about my life's challenges in the hope that others in my shoes can find it and feel some sort of comfort in knowing they are not alone. This has always been important to me when blogging, but in the past it was very much about hashing out every mistake and torturous thought, a sort of masochism of the soul. I want this blog to be personal, yes, but  I want it to be more helpful and forward-thinking, instead of floundering and just spouting out everything negative. I don't want to use this blog to re-examine failed relationships or go on and on about my depression. Instead, I want to talk about my health issues, my doubts, my goals, my triumphs, the things that I learn... in a way that shines a spotlight on unseen or overlooked issues, shows progression in my life, shows positive changes being made or being strived for. I will talk about relationships and depression, but with a purpose.

One thing I definitely want to focus on now that the First Trimester of Horror is under my belt, is that idea of putting a spotlight on the unusual complications/events/issues during pregnancy. I think I may have to create a category for "Pregnancy T.M.I." - a label to give a heads up that a Too Much Information situation is being discussed. Pregnancy is not pretty, but no one wants to talk about that. There's talk of glowing and nesting. Yes, the entire world knows what Morning Sickness is, and most people have heard of feet swelling and frequent urination and backpain and feeling fat. But most pregnancies don't include "Morning" sickness, because it's really Pregnancy Sickness: the nausea and vomiting can strike at any time. For some of us, it strikes all the time. Then there are the scary things: bleeding, cramping, suspicion of miscarriage, malnutrition and weight loss, genetic testing, exams with inconclusive or negative results. No one wants to talk about the icky or the unsettling parts of pregnancy, until it's 4 am and they are desperately googling any tidbit of information they can find about how to determine if you're having a miscarriage.

For now though, I'm going to call it a night. I seem to have distracted myself out of a bout of dark-o-thirty nausea, but also run my poor little brain into the ground. I've got no more words left. Hopefully more will pop up sooner, although I'm sure it will be later. Oh look, Optimist-in-Training-Mysie and Pessimistic-Bitch-Fest-Mysie just shared a moment. 1,2,3... d'awwwwwwww!